Letter to My 20 Year Old Self...

Dearest Aundrea,

Oh my darling one, where to begin? 

You're about to enter what you will come to know as one of the most difficult periods of your entire life. I wish I could protect you from whats to come. I wish I could warn you. I wish... I wish I could take the pain of whats to come, lock it in a box and keep it far, far away from you. But, despite what people might think, you've never been one to run from a fight and I'm afraid this will be the run for your life.

The person you are now in two short years will cease to exist. She will, I am sorry to say, have been stomped out and erased. Right now, you're living in Dublin, you have a great job, a few good friends, a beautiful apartment and altogether a very good life. That will all change on a night in October when you meet a good friend for a quite drink. You'll meet him then, you'll even invite him to join you. You've always hated seeing anyone being left out. Your kindness my darling will be your downfall.

Even now, writing this, I'm so far removed from that person, you... I think that even as I tell you whats about to happen, the reason I may sound like I'm talking about something that happened to someone else, is because in many ways, it did. I'm not who I was then. He made very sure there was nothing left of me, but I would like to tell you now, something that would take you 13 years and a lot of heartbreak to figure out. You deserved and deserve so much better.

I'm staring at the flashing bar waiting for me to type the words to tell you this, this is truly the first time I have sat and thought about what happened. He seemed so sweet, damaged yes... but you could fix that. You have always been a fixer, that will never change. You will always want to take the bad in someone and make it go away, replace it with something better. But it didn't work here. He hurt you so badly. Physically beat you until you were unconscious, many many times. He would lock you away from the world for days on end. I know you're reading this thinking 'not me' but there is one crucial thing I need you to know. You will be pregnant. A beautiful girl. and you will fight, you'll fight for her, to keep her alive, to keep her safe. And you do. You endure it, praying for someone, something to save you, because he has broken you so carelessly that you are too weak to save yourself. In the end, it is seeing that tiny human in person for a very brief moment after an emergency c section induced by sheer panic and fear. You will die on that operating table and I'm so sorry , you'll hear the beeps of the heart monitor get slower and slower until it flatlines. Then the nothingness.

You wake not knowing whats happened until you are told by your surgeon the next morning. You will make the choice for her. Because she is all that matters now, you will leave him for her. And you will make sure he never sees her again. That I can promise you. And you will never let another man raise his fist in anger at you again. I am so sorry. For all of it.

I'm sorry for the journey you have to go on over the next 12 years. You need to find out who you are again. You need to forgive yourself. You need to accept that it was never your fault. And yes, it will take you that long to figure it out. It doesn't come easily, you're still working on it. Because ingrained in you so deeply is the notion that it will always be you, your fault, something you should have done different, but... not on this occasion.

You will meet someone. He's pretty great... he will treat you better than anyone before him, it takes a while to get there but it happens. And you'll know the wonder of being truly comfortable with someone, laughing over the stupid things together, crying over the bad. He has to leave you. It's just time. And you have to let him go. For him to be happy. You'll miss him so much your heart will fracture, he was your best friend, without ever really being your friend, he was your person. I don't think that you will ever stop missing him, or loving him really. I think once you truly love someone you will love them forever. Every time you think of him you'll wish him well.... because throughout everything you've learned nothing is permanent and you'll learn to be grateful for the time you had with the people you love. It's precious. I'm not sure you'll ever fully recover from this loss but it will happen and you won't see it coming. I don't think you can fit an infinity into a letter, and the one you shared with him can't be quantified. So it's best just to know you do love again. Truly. Unconditionally.

 I'm not really sure where we go from here. But I do know that we'll be okay. You're finally going to travel, you are going to see all those places you wished you could have. Some of these trips you'll do alone. I'm hoping we'll meet some great people along the way. Others well... I guess we'll have to wait and see.

And hey, that little girl you fought so hard for, in more ways than one? She's amazing. Funny, kind, empathetic and sweet. A lot like that young lady you used to be. You're still all of those things but she seems to do it all so much better. You have nothing to worry about on that front, she's perfect. You're an unconventional parent, you'll say fuckhead a lot and make threats about kids who hurt her, most of which are idol.  Just kidding. Believe it or not you turn out to be a pretty great parent. She is the Rory to your Lorelai... just like you always wanted.

I'm Going to give you a list of things I wish I had known in advance, here goes:

Don't stand in wheelie bins unattended, you will fall out of one absolutely sober and destroy yourself.

You'll end up with a penis shaped scar from a third degree burn thanks to a friends hair curlers... embrace it, it'll end up being quite the anecdote later in life.

At that event for YSL don't lean against the window... it's open and you will almost fall out in front of the Head of International Makeup Artistry. Not good.

As funny as it seems at the time, don't pants your boyfriend in front of his mother, I don't think he ever quite forgave you for it.

Go the extra mile when moving that stupid Elf... worth it every time. 'How did he end up on the ceiling?!' No idea you'll say while clutching your back after falling off that chair.

Don't be so hard on yourself okay? There are lots of people who will do that for you. Trust me.

Don't let betrayal harden you, you'll soon see its better to be you knowing you did all you could than you having to live with what other chose to do to you.

Enjoy every moment with tots, she's growing up so quickly. She's all that will ever matter.



Thats it for now, know that you'll feel like you're dying, you'll be okay, repeat twice and you'll be here. You'll be okay and thats all you'll ever want, to be okay. I used to wish our story was different but any one step in a different direction and you would be someone else, somewhere else. You wouldn't have met the people who helped to shape your world, you wouldn't have Addie. If there were an award for 'Emotional Strongperson of the Decade', it would be yours and thats a hell of an achievement. You're doing okay, you'll get there.

I love you,

A x

Lundi

On social media they posted taunts at Hurricane Lorenzo,

Willing him into a tropical storm.

His gales though carried your unwritten messages away.
Silence and Seafret,
That feeling of relief,
A week spent with empty messages drifting aimlessly in darkness.
The failed midnight meeting along the metal tracks.

The dimmed station, where I waited in purgatory.
The neon painted lights of the buildings that surrounded.
The drunken shouting at the stop.
The nail polish I chip away at.

The dreary dawn showed up too quickly that night.
The rain that fell in a thin mist
Helped to carry the tears away.
I left at 12:20 with one thought.
I had failed to reach you.

Whats left of me, steeps in the tub.
It needs to soak. 'Leave it', I think.
You had gone away, I had come home.
And what's left of me,
It loosens and the water carries it away.