A Red String & The Green Light

A year is a funny thing, don't you think?

It can feel like its lasted an entire decade or sometimes it passes in no time at all.

Our first year in each others lives has been quite the journey....

How does a once stranger you never knew existed, find their way to you on a seemingly inconsequential Tuesday and become the one thing you just can't live without?

I had just dragged myself out of the worst 2 years of my entire life, absolutely resigned and content with the new life I had built from the rubble of the old one. 

And it was a good life, don't get me wrong. 

But it was also a spectators life. A cautious life. A life without risk.

One lived entirely on the sideline, afraid to take any step which may upset the delicate equilibrium I had worked so hard to achieve. 

I was afraid to live in a world where I might get hurt again, so to remedy this, I created a few simple rules. 

Acquaintances only, you can't get hurt if you're not emotionally invested. No opening up or trusting people, you can't be disappointed by someone you haven't been vulnerable with. Be kind always because you can't let what you've been through alter the core of who you are. Above all? Stay away from love. You cannot lose what you do not have. Abiding by these rules kept me safe and there was no scenario I was not prepared for.

It was a good list... a safe list and it got me through.

Until You. As ironic as I know you will find this? You were the one thing I never saw coming.

I had no idea just how much I was living my life on auto pilot until you showed up with your kindness, your warmth, your ability to make me laugh, your unwavering strength, your charm (yes I said it... now you have it in writing) and your complete lack of awareness as to just how incredible you are in every single way, even and especially on your bad days.

You quickly became my favourite part of every day. And from that day to this? There has never been a day in between where that hasn't remained the absolute truth. Without effort or agenda you became my person. It felt like you had always been here and I soon realised that there would never come a time where I could imagine not needing or wanting you in my life. 

For the first time in years, I was terrified. Because I had something to lose... you. 

I had no idea just how much I wanted someone to be that person until you were. That's when I realised, it was never about the 'what'... it was always the 'who'. We met at just the right time to be exactly what the other needed. Don't worry, I won't bring the universe or statistics into it. Even though I know just how much you love when I do that. But I truly believe we saw right to the core of one another, into the centre of our beings that very first night. Somehow laying the foundation for the safe harbour we would ultimately be for one another.

We had no way of knowing what we would become or where the journey would lead us of course, but there is not a day that goes by where I am not eternally grateful for that invisible red string that has always connected us and that finally untangled and shortened itself just enough to bring us together.

Thank you for allowing me those little things that all add up to making our shared universe such a magical place to inhabit. Thank you for annoying me endlessly, for trusting me, for having faith, not just in me... but in general. For allowing me to be present on the bad days just as much as the good and for letting me hold space to be there with you during. For being the most lovable person I have ever met. Thank you for being exactly who you are Craig. I wouldn't change any of it. Thank you for allowing me to fuss over you even though you're um... not sure how you feel about it but allow me anyway. For matching my crazy (genuinely never thought that was possible) Oh, and of course for allowing me to steal your best friend too! Thank you for being here, for making me laugh, for making me cry. Thank you for bringing me not just back to life, but to a life with you in it, all while showing me that true unconditional love does actually exist. Thank you for making my heart happy.

But most of all? Thank you for being that person I am terrified to lose because you have taught me that some people not only restore your faith and help to heal the parts they didn't break, they're also entirely worth the risk of being hurt one thousand times over.

Merry Christmas Craig,

Love Always... IFG.

Drea x

Welcome to the End of Infinity

There is a theory in quantum mechanics... its that when a conscious observer, observes sub atomic particles the laws of Newtonian physics no longer apply, they break down and cease to exist.  Quantum particles appear to change their behaviour when they're being observed, which poses the immense question, do they have consciousness?

Its funny the things that draw you to write. Grief. Grief for the loss of something truly incredible. And I hear you ask, 'Okay Drea, but what the hell do sub atomic particles have to do with grief?!'.

The simple answer is, consciousness. I remember reading a quote from Neil deGrasse Tyson once, the interviewer asked him what we knew for certain about consciousness. His answer was quite simply... nothing. 'Look at all the books about Physics, Biology, Chemistry, Mechanics etc... there are countless definitive books on every subject. Now show me one definitive book on consciousness, you can't, therefore, we know nothing'.

If there is defining characteristic of consciousness it is that any being changes their behaviour when being observed. Who we are, who we portray ourselves to be, for the most part is entirely dependant on the present observer. Take CERN for example... all those particles and photons being shot at infinite speeds around the Large Hadron Collider... changing their behaviour when observed by a conscious entity (us) and I wonder, do they have the capacity within their consciousness to experience loss and as a result, grief? By another theory it states that not only can they change their behaviour, but they can also choose to blink in and out of existence. It's their superpower.

Me telling you this doesn't really have anything to do with loss, its just that part of being an existentialist where you try and capture the sadness you feel, to compress it in a way that doesn't make you want to self implode. I've never really experienced loss on any grand scale. I'm incredibly lucky in that respect. I have always chosen to live in the present, to love in the present, to never think too far ahead, lest it distract me from the magical moments I might otherwise miss daily. I have always found joy and comfort in the little things. The things one might take for granted. If something bad happens, I think well at least a, b, and c is still whatever'. There is always a silver lining, always. There just has to be. I refused to live in a world where silver linings weren't a thing of beauty and I always ensured I helped others to find their Silver Linings too. I was good at it. It was my superpower.

People come and go, some make a brief appearances others settle into your life like a weird piece of furniture that was always there. I read once that the person you think of as you, exists only for you. Every person you meet, have a relationship with, friendship with, interact with or meet on the street creates a version of you in their heads. There are infinite you's out there. A you exists in everyone you've ever mets mind and yet your you, who you believe yourself to be, it may not be someone to anyone at all.

Sometimes you meet someone you think will always stay, that they will always be there. But life doesn't work that way. I was always more myself with you than with any other. I once shared the belief that some infinities are bigger than others, but what I failed to realise, is that even infinities have an end. Ours cannot be quantified or codified, it will blink in and out of existence as we observe it change under our observation. So maybe, in the end, in that respect our consciousness and the consciousness of atoms and sub atomic particles aren't so different.

We are all infinitely floating, trying to remain present to an observer of our choosing, before finally, blinking out of existence...