A Red String & The Green Light

A year is a funny thing, don't you think?

It can feel like its lasted an entire decade or sometimes it passes in no time at all.

Our first year in each others lives has been quite the journey....

How does a once stranger you never knew existed, find their way to you on a seemingly inconsequential Tuesday and become the one thing you just can't live without?

I had just dragged myself out of the worst 2 years of my entire life, absolutely resigned and content with the new life I had built from the rubble of the old one. 

And it was a good life, don't get me wrong. 

But it was also a spectators life. A cautious life. A life without risk.

One lived entirely on the sideline, afraid to take any step which may upset the delicate equilibrium I had worked so hard to achieve. 

I was afraid to live in a world where I might get hurt again, so to remedy this, I created a few simple rules. 

Acquaintances only, you can't get hurt if you're not emotionally invested. No opening up or trusting people, you can't be disappointed by someone you haven't been vulnerable with. Be kind always because you can't let what you've been through alter the core of who you are. Above all? Stay away from love. You cannot lose what you do not have. Abiding by these rules kept me safe and there was no scenario I was not prepared for.

It was a good list... a safe list and it got me through.

Until You. As ironic as I know you will find this? You were the one thing I never saw coming.

I had no idea just how much I was living my life on auto pilot until you showed up with your kindness, your warmth, your ability to make me laugh, your unwavering strength, your charm (yes I said it... now you have it in writing) and your complete lack of awareness as to just how incredible you are in every single way, even and especially on your bad days.

You quickly became my favourite part of every day. And from that day to this? There has never been a day in between where that hasn't remained the absolute truth. Without effort or agenda you became my person. It felt like you had always been here and I soon realised that there would never come a time where I could imagine not needing or wanting you in my life. 

For the first time in years, I was terrified. Because I had something to lose... you. 

I had no idea just how much I wanted someone to be that person until you were. That's when I realised, it was never about the 'what'... it was always the 'who'. We met at just the right time to be exactly what the other needed. Don't worry, I won't bring the universe or statistics into it. Even though I know just how much you love when I do that. But I truly believe we saw right to the core of one another, into the centre of our beings that very first night. Somehow laying the foundation for the safe harbour we would ultimately be for one another.

We had no way of knowing what we would become or where the journey would lead us of course, but there is not a day that goes by where I am not eternally grateful for that invisible red string that has always connected us and that finally untangled and shortened itself just enough to bring us together.

Thank you for allowing me those little things that all add up to making our shared universe such a magical place to inhabit. Thank you for annoying me endlessly, for trusting me, for having faith, not just in me... but in general. For allowing me to be present on the bad days just as much as the good and for letting me hold space to be there with you during. For being the most lovable person I have ever met. Thank you for being exactly who you are Craig. I wouldn't change any of it. Thank you for allowing me to fuss over you even though you're um... not sure how you feel about it but allow me anyway. For matching my crazy (genuinely never thought that was possible) Oh, and of course for allowing me to steal your best friend too! Thank you for being here, for making me laugh, for making me cry. Thank you for bringing me not just back to life, but to a life with you in it, all while showing me that true unconditional love does actually exist. Thank you for making my heart happy.

But most of all? Thank you for being that person I am terrified to lose because you have taught me that some people not only restore your faith and help to heal the parts they didn't break, they're also entirely worth the risk of being hurt one thousand times over.

Merry Christmas Craig,

Love Always... IFG.

Drea x

Welcome to the End of Infinity

There is a theory in quantum mechanics... its that when a conscious observer, observes sub atomic particles the laws of Newtonian physics no longer apply, they break down and cease to exist.  Quantum particles appear to change their behaviour when they're being observed, which poses the immense question, do they have consciousness?

Its funny the things that draw you to write. Grief. Grief for the loss of something truly incredible. And I hear you ask, 'Okay Drea, but what the hell do sub atomic particles have to do with grief?!'.

The simple answer is, consciousness. I remember reading a quote from Neil deGrasse Tyson once, the interviewer asked him what we knew for certain about consciousness. His answer was quite simply... nothing. 'Look at all the books about Physics, Biology, Chemistry, Mechanics etc... there are countless definitive books on every subject. Now show me one definitive book on consciousness, you can't, therefore, we know nothing'.

If there is defining characteristic of consciousness it is that any being changes their behaviour when being observed. Who we are, who we portray ourselves to be, for the most part is entirely dependant on the present observer. Take CERN for example... all those particles and photons being shot at infinite speeds around the Large Hadron Collider... changing their behaviour when observed by a conscious entity (us) and I wonder, do they have the capacity within their consciousness to experience loss and as a result, grief? By another theory it states that not only can they change their behaviour, but they can also choose to blink in and out of existence. It's their superpower.

Me telling you this doesn't really have anything to do with loss, its just that part of being an existentialist where you try and capture the sadness you feel, to compress it in a way that doesn't make you want to self implode. I've never really experienced loss on any grand scale. I'm incredibly lucky in that respect. I have always chosen to live in the present, to love in the present, to never think too far ahead, lest it distract me from the magical moments I might otherwise miss daily. I have always found joy and comfort in the little things. The things one might take for granted. If something bad happens, I think well at least a, b, and c is still whatever'. There is always a silver lining, always. There just has to be. I refused to live in a world where silver linings weren't a thing of beauty and I always ensured I helped others to find their Silver Linings too. I was good at it. It was my superpower.

People come and go, some make a brief appearances others settle into your life like a weird piece of furniture that was always there. I read once that the person you think of as you, exists only for you. Every person you meet, have a relationship with, friendship with, interact with or meet on the street creates a version of you in their heads. There are infinite you's out there. A you exists in everyone you've ever mets mind and yet your you, who you believe yourself to be, it may not be someone to anyone at all.

Sometimes you meet someone you think will always stay, that they will always be there. But life doesn't work that way. I was always more myself with you than with any other. I once shared the belief that some infinities are bigger than others, but what I failed to realise, is that even infinities have an end. Ours cannot be quantified or codified, it will blink in and out of existence as we observe it change under our observation. So maybe, in the end, in that respect our consciousness and the consciousness of atoms and sub atomic particles aren't so different.

We are all infinitely floating, trying to remain present to an observer of our choosing, before finally, blinking out of existence...

Uncharted

You know,

I am sure that there was a time before you...

That, there was a Me before You.

Seemingly disjointed now,

It is, without logical or meaningful connection.

I've become lost when retracing my steps, 

trying to find the precise moment you made yourself at home in a world few are invited to see.

Our shared universe took it's time when crafting us,

Ensuring its tailor made simplicity was the perfect fit.

It left no room for doubt or jealously.

Instead, what it offered was safe harbour.

Where the purpose of our hearts appear, by their very investiture to be... broken.

Our Souls by comparison are no delicate thing. 

They alter by which our alteration finds that

Our Souls do not break, they bend. 

Through this discovery I have come to believe that hearts,

May be seemingly inconsequential by comparison.

We contain multitudes. 

Our beginning was beautiful. 

Our past experiences and collective traumas ensured we mutually handled those broken or fractured parts in only the most delicate fashion. 

It was the perfect foundation, the foundation of Our shared safe harbour. 

I had always imagined my safe harbour to be some illusive place, when in reality the safe harbour I was presented with, was You.

A Harbour by its very definition, reliably contains a vast body of water. They say that the sea is actually black and that it merely reflects and absorbs the blue sky above.

And So it was, for me, with you. 

It was and has been the most singular privilege to reflect who you truly are back to you.

So that you could admire yourself in my eyes. 

Where you are at last... Enough.

If you are the Ocean which surrounds and envelops our safe harbour, I am the waves, for the moment we part I refract, I involuntarily crash and break before dissipating and returning to the Ocean. 

Before returning to you. 

Our Ocean, for all intents and purposes is two separate entities. The Water and the Waves. 

And, although the waves may crash and break, appearing separate, they are always welcomed back by the Ocean, becoming one... once again. 

Just as infinity intended.

Our path on the return journey to our Safe Harbour has presented us both with obstacles.

Navigation has not been plain sailing.

But lessons learned, revealed the emotion that once broke our individual hearts?

Was also the emotion You and I collectively invoked to piece each other together again, conscientiously... meticulously.

I believe in that moment, our souls intertwined... the inexplicable, primordial singularity that created this tiny universe.

Our shared inhabitation, impervious to anyone but you and I...

Impervious to anyone but us.

Some Infinities Are Bigger Than Other Infinities...

Hey there, it's me again... back to pour out some random musings from the depths of my soul. Nothing to see here, just me trying to make sense of the findings from my latest existential crisis... My recent post about my journey of self discovery focused mostly on my struggle with self image. The overwhelmingly positive response I received to that post was pretty incredible.

In all honesty writing that post was the catalyst for me beginning to examine different facets of my life and my relationships with others. Truth be told relationships of any description be they romantic, friendship or purely associative have always felt like they've come a little more difficult to me than it seems in comparison to observation of others. Relationships to me are deeply complex and based on the individual involved, I have never had the same type of interpersonal relationship with anyone twice.

My circle of close friends is practically non existent. And that has always been a conscious choice on my part. I have serious trust issues, and every time I've decided to take a chance and let someone in, it has resulted in heartbreak of some description. So I decided the only way to protect myself was to put a wall up, to become extremely guarded. Don't get me wrong, to the world I remained who I was but I just didn't let anyone in for fear of being hurt. And through all this, mustering every last shred of insatiable positivity I had, I continued to look for the good in people, only seeing the best. I have plenty of acquaintances in my life who I value dearly, but what had been lacking in my life was one of those once in a lifetime type people. The kind you could tell anything to and know for sure it would never go any further... the type that make your life better by just being there and being exactly who they are.

The expression that kept springing to mind whenever I would feel like I was missing out was 'Aundrea, try to remember quality, not quantity'. For the longest time I told myself that when I least expected it, the universe would introduce someone into my life that would show me that even after all the shitty relationships I could still trust and see the good in people.

What the universe ended up sending me was something infinitely more valuable. You see, what I have learned is that all these harsh lessons and failed friendships haven't been for nothing. They've made me come to the realisation that each journey you have the courage to embark on can be considered a truth seeking mission on your road to becoming fully self aware. I truly believe that if you are willing to leave behind everything familiar and comforting about yourself and set out on this truth seeking journey, be it internal or external. And you are willing to regard everything that happens to you on this journey as a lesson, it will lead you to people who will change the course of your life forever. If you accept these people for who and what they are, and embrace them as teachers, they will help you to face and forgive some very difficult realities about yourself. If you follow this path, the truth will not be withheld from you.

The truth is not always agreeable, it is not always what we want to hear but as much as it can damage and ruin, ruin is the road to transformation. The teachers we encounter who value us enough to share their truth with us, can be the ones to help you to open yourself up to learning more about who you are than you ever thought possible.

Embrace these people wholeheartedly. They don't come along too often. They are the guides and teachers on this beautiful road called life who show us what it means to be who we are. And should you ever be lucky enough to encounter one who makes themselves at home in your life, like they have always been there? Treasure and hold on to them with every fibre of your being, they are the truly unique, the once in a lifetime, the ones you will turn to in times of crisis and times of joy. They are the truly irreplaceable.

Serendipity is a funny thing... you look for something, find something else and you end up realising that what you've found is more suited to your needs than what you thought you were looking for. This journey has ended up teaching me that my purpose in my relationships is to continue being no one other than exactly who I am and to do my upmost to help try and make my presence in the lives of the individual people I care about something that they can trust in and rely on. I have learned that for the people I truly care about and infinitely value, who I am and what I mean to them? It's enough.

I know that without context some or even most of this post might not make a massive amount of sense to you. But it's something I needed to write, a sort of thank you letter to the universe for sending me exactly what I needed.

It is also a thank you to the teachers in my life, the people who have made themselves at home in the infinite chaos of the beautiful disaster that is my stream of consciousness. Thank you for being who you are, for what you mean to me, and please know that you, just you as you are? You're enough and I am infinitely grateful for you.

To me, each individual relationship in my life is like an infinity. Infinities can take place within a numbered days, others cannot be quantified and a very wise astrophysicist once informed me that some infinities are bigger than other infinities. Not many people know that, and often when you learn it for the first time, it can be pretty mind blowing. Thats how I feel this journey has been for me. 'Some infinities are bigger than other infinities' and I cannot begin to codify how grateful I am for our little infinity.

Be kind to one another, be a teacher, and try to appreciate each infinity for what it is and what it has meant or will continue to mean to you.

Aundrea x

YOU...

It happened on a night like any other, uneventful, until You.

You walked in so effortlessly, like you had always belonged. Akin to some piece of beloved furniture that had always been there.

You made yourself at home instantly, sharing seemingly inconsequential and understated events that had formed the core of who you are.

Something awoke in me then, because of You.

I was prepared for everything, except You.

You had this ability of making me feel seen and understood in a way so foreign I failed to recognise it at first. 

You are the best part of every day, the first part of any morning, infinite vast incoherent thoughts imperceptible to anyone but us, spoken aloud to form the secrets that would eventually bind us.

You so intricately wove yourself into the fabric of my small universe. Spinning silk threads forever securing what holds us together.

You handled the damaged parts of my heart, my soul with such care, paying careful attention to return them to their rightful place, slowly... safely.

You took the time to reinforce that once fragile heart so carefully.

You showed me infinities within our numbered days. How to build our own universe impervious to anyone but us. Held together by an unshakable faith.

You were perfect within your perfect imperfection.

You are my greatest teacher, my existential crisis affiliate. 

You push me in every direction I need to go... and those I didn't know existed.

You have been there, each and every day reinforcing my unwavering belief in absolute, irrevocable and unconditional love.

You have made the journeys when no one else would. And for that, I am infinitely grateful.

You have shown me the fairy tales I once wrapped myself in sometimes do come true. That miracles are ever present and handed to us at the most serendipitous of moments.

You challenge me, You frustrate me, You drive me to the edge of insanity but even then there is no one I would rather be there with... than You.

I am forever blind to where I would be... who I would be... without You.

You are the fabric of this tiny universe we will both call home.

It will always be You.

Ending with the realisation that we, are infinite. 

Letter to My 20 Year Old Self...

Dearest Aundrea,

Oh my darling one, where to begin? 

You're about to enter what you will come to know as one of the most difficult periods of your entire life. I wish I could protect you from whats to come. I wish I could warn you. I wish... I wish I could take the pain of whats to come, lock it in a box and keep it far, far away from you. But, despite what people might think, you've never been one to run from a fight and I'm afraid this will be the run for your life.

The person you are now in two short years will cease to exist. She will, I am sorry to say, have been stomped out and erased. Right now, you're living in Dublin, you have a great job, a few good friends, a beautiful apartment and altogether a very good life. That will all change on a night in October when you meet a good friend for a quite drink. You'll meet him then, you'll even invite him to join you. You've always hated seeing anyone being left out. Your kindness my darling will be your downfall.

Even now, writing this, I'm so far removed from that person, you... I think that even as I tell you whats about to happen, the reason I may sound like I'm talking about something that happened to someone else, is because in many ways, it did. I'm not who I was then. He made very sure there was nothing left of me, but I would like to tell you now, something that would take you 13 years and a lot of heartbreak to figure out. You deserved and deserve so much better.

I'm staring at the flashing bar waiting for me to type the words to tell you this, this is truly the first time I have sat and thought about what happened. He seemed so sweet, damaged yes... but you could fix that. You have always been a fixer, that will never change. You will always want to take the bad in someone and make it go away, replace it with something better. But it didn't work here. He hurt you so badly. Physically beat you until you were unconscious, many many times. He would lock you away from the world for days on end. I know you're reading this thinking 'not me' but there is one crucial thing I need you to know. You will be pregnant. A beautiful girl. and you will fight, you'll fight for her, to keep her alive, to keep her safe. And you do. You endure it, praying for someone, something to save you, because he has broken you so carelessly that you are too weak to save yourself. In the end, it is seeing that tiny human in person for a very brief moment after an emergency c section induced by sheer panic and fear. You will die on that operating table and I'm so sorry , you'll hear the beeps of the heart monitor get slower and slower until it flatlines. Then the nothingness.

You wake not knowing whats happened until you are told by your surgeon the next morning. You will make the choice for her. Because she is all that matters now, you will leave him for her. And you will make sure he never sees her again. That I can promise you. And you will never let another man raise his fist in anger at you again. I am so sorry. For all of it.

I'm sorry for the journey you have to go on over the next 12 years. You need to find out who you are again. You need to forgive yourself. You need to accept that it was never your fault. And yes, it will take you that long to figure it out. It doesn't come easily, you're still working on it. Because ingrained in you so deeply is the notion that it will always be you, your fault, something you should have done different, but... not on this occasion.

You will meet someone. He's pretty great... he will treat you better than anyone before him, it takes a while to get there but it happens. And you'll know the wonder of being truly comfortable with someone, laughing over the stupid things together, crying over the bad. He has to leave you. It's just time. And you have to let him go. For him to be happy. You'll miss him so much your heart will fracture, he was your best friend, without ever really being your friend, he was your person. I don't think that you will ever stop missing him, or loving him really. I think once you truly love someone you will love them forever. Every time you think of him you'll wish him well.... because throughout everything you've learned nothing is permanent and you'll learn to be grateful for the time you had with the people you love. It's precious. I'm not sure you'll ever fully recover from this loss but it will happen and you won't see it coming. I don't think you can fit an infinity into a letter, and the one you shared with him can't be quantified. So it's best just to know you do love again. Truly. Unconditionally.

 I'm not really sure where we go from here. But I do know that we'll be okay. You're finally going to travel, you are going to see all those places you wished you could have. Some of these trips you'll do alone. I'm hoping we'll meet some great people along the way. Others well... I guess we'll have to wait and see.

And hey, that little girl you fought so hard for, in more ways than one? She's amazing. Funny, kind, empathetic and sweet. A lot like that young lady you used to be. You're still all of those things but she seems to do it all so much better. You have nothing to worry about on that front, she's perfect. You're an unconventional parent, you'll say fuckhead a lot and make threats about kids who hurt her, most of which are idol.  Just kidding. Believe it or not you turn out to be a pretty great parent. She is the Rory to your Lorelai... just like you always wanted.

I'm Going to give you a list of things I wish I had known in advance, here goes:

Don't stand in wheelie bins unattended, you will fall out of one absolutely sober and destroy yourself.

You'll end up with a penis shaped scar from a third degree burn thanks to a friends hair curlers... embrace it, it'll end up being quite the anecdote later in life.

At that event for YSL don't lean against the window... it's open and you will almost fall out in front of the Head of International Makeup Artistry. Not good.

As funny as it seems at the time, don't pants your boyfriend in front of his mother, I don't think he ever quite forgave you for it.

Go the extra mile when moving that stupid Elf... worth it every time. 'How did he end up on the ceiling?!' No idea you'll say while clutching your back after falling off that chair.

Don't be so hard on yourself okay? There are lots of people who will do that for you. Trust me.

Don't let betrayal harden you, you'll soon see its better to be you knowing you did all you could than you having to live with what other chose to do to you.

Enjoy every moment with tots, she's growing up so quickly. She's all that will ever matter.



Thats it for now, know that you'll feel like you're dying, you'll be okay, repeat twice and you'll be here. You'll be okay and thats all you'll ever want, to be okay. I used to wish our story was different but any one step in a different direction and you would be someone else, somewhere else. You wouldn't have met the people who helped to shape your world, you wouldn't have Addie. If there were an award for 'Emotional Strongperson of the Decade', it would be yours and thats a hell of an achievement. You're doing okay, you'll get there.

I love you,

A x

Lundi

On social media they posted taunts at Hurricane Lorenzo,

Willing him into a tropical storm.

His gales though carried your unwritten messages away.
Silence and Seafret,
That feeling of relief,
A week spent with empty messages drifting aimlessly in darkness.
The failed midnight meeting along the metal tracks.

The dimmed station, where I waited in purgatory.
The neon painted lights of the buildings that surrounded.
The drunken shouting at the stop.
The nail polish I chip away at.

The dreary dawn showed up too quickly that night.
The rain that fell in a thin mist
Helped to carry the tears away.
I left at 12:20 with one thought.
I had failed to reach you.

Whats left of me, steeps in the tub.
It needs to soak. 'Leave it', I think.
You had gone away, I had come home.
And what's left of me,
It loosens and the water carries it away.

The Physics of the Quest

 

“I've come to believe that there exists in the universe something I call "The Physics of The Quest" — a force of nature governed by laws as real as the laws of gravity or momentum. And the rule of Quest Physics maybe goes like this: "If you are brave enough to leave behind everything familiar and comforting (which can be anything from your house to your bitter old resentments) and set out on a truth-seeking journey (either externally or internally), and if you are truly willing to regard everything that happens to you on that journey as a clue, and if you accept everyone you meet along the way as a teacher, and if you are prepared – most of all – to face and forgive some very difficult realities about yourself... then truth will not be withheld from you."

A decade is a long time, but it can also feel like no time at all. Lessons learned, trust betrayed, hearts broken, promises that have never been kept and relationships which end in an unanswerable great abyss of nothingness.

As time continues to forever move us forward, for the unlucky few, it becomes ever apparent that we are to make our way through our toughest journeys, alone.

As someone who used to consider herself an eternal optimist (now semi hardened realist) its difficult to admit that at some point, you have to accept people are built to disappoint you. Imaginary letters never sent, foundations built on empty promises, broken trust teetering on oblivion. It is a constant fairground carousel of deceit, disappointment and hurt.

Any major trauma we endure, is always dealt with alone. You put stock in the prettily worded sentences of vague offers of support made with no intention of ever seeing them through. Declarations of love on a road leading nowhere. A Mismatched, misguided heart surrounded by the scar tissue of a million empty words.  

So what does it all mean? The belief in your fairy tale ending? It was in you, deep as poison. Encroaching on your fragile heart, spooling their thorned vines around it, locking those damaging splinters in place, creating primed, minute, fractures ready to be shattered with each tap driven into it with a sledgehammer wielded by those you so naively leant your trust to.

By now you should be used to it... not everyone has your heart's best interest in mind, not everyone's promises mean something. An attempt was made to plant a bitter and cynical seed where once there was a pure belief in love.

Deep down you knew this was coming. They've never missed an opportunity to remind you just how insignificant you can be in their world. And it crushes you every time. You let it crush you because you can't bring yourself to inflict the pain. It can crush but this time it didn't break you. Because this time the reenforcement of that fragile heart behind the scenes made all the difference. It will always hurt, it hurts because it mattered once, but no more. 

Life continues, a heart mends, you progress, the world continues to spin. I used to wonder how the earth never fell from its axis with the weight of emotional pain people carry around. But, I have learned there is nothing so bad it is impossible to recover from.

So, the physics of the quest in this scenario? You have to have faith, faith in others, in yourself. In the universe. We are unpredictable as a species, self involved, self destructive and inexplicable in our actions. But on the other hand as a result of this bump on the cosmic highway I have experienced the most incredible kindness, from the most unexpected sources. I have had to face and forgive some very difficult realities about myself. And the answer to the question on the end of this journey? No one can write my story for me. So I will pick myself up, dust my heart off, learn to trust once more and put nothing out into the universe that doesn't have the best intentions attached. We can never be broken down so far that we cannot rebuild ourselves stronger, wiser and more empathetic. 

As we continue on this beautiful road called life I will be infinitely grateful for the incredible good that has revealed itself, which was always there and which is stronger than ever. You have learned through this journey that unconditional love exists and it is a beautiful thing. Something which could have so easily hardened me and stripped me of my belief? Has only reenforced it further. There is something bittersweet and poetic about it because there is nothing to be lost, only gained. And an appreciation for what was found in the process, the most precious of things.

A fond farewell to the last decade... and on to the next chapter. 

I carry all the good with me, 

Always.

Age 21, The 8th Amendment and Me. Why We Need to Repeal.

Ugh, well here's a post I never expected to write... It's funny, the only things that have really prompted me to sit down and write lately, are the topics I feel extremely passionate about. This story isn't going to be an easy one for me to tell. It's one I have never spoken about publicly before, those close to me may know it, but for the most part, it has remained locked away inside.

My experience with the 8th Amendment is extremely personal, not everyone will agree, not everyone has to. That is the joy of living in a democracy. To be honest, in my late teens and early 20's it was something I believed would never affect me. Until, it did.

I found out I was pregnant in early March of 2007. I was living in Dublin at the time, working in Merrion Square. I remember going to the doctor on my lunch break, not being able to shake the feeling of nausea that had plagued me for weeks. 'I'm just run down.' I thought. The 6am starts coupled with an already somewhat volatile relationship I had been in for 6 months at the time. I remember the doctor asking me for a urine sample, I had a history of kidney infections and UTI's so in my book, this was par for the course. Until she popped a strip into the pot, it wasn't the familiar one, with the blocks of colour that would tell me if I had to fork out a fortune I didn't have on antibiotics I wasn't sure I needed. I remember those three minutes in painstaking detail. I remember the ticking of the clock on the wall, the creak of the chair the unfamiliar GP sat in as she moved uncomfortably. She was a stranger,  I had never met her before, she never once met my anxious gaze. I remember her picking up the plastic tab, she tapped it 4 times off the pot and snapped the top of the test back into place, and handed it to me. I stared at the test, then at her. 'I don't know what this means?' I said feeling a sense of dread and panic take hold. "It means you're pregnant, congratulations."

I don't even remember leaving her office, I remember regaining some sense of self on a bench in the park in Merrion Square. I sat staring in the direction of Hollis Street, tears silently streaming down my face. Plagued by one single question 'What am I going to do?' I began the walk back to work in a daze. Everything was different, it was as if the world around me was in a fog and I was too far away to recognise anything familiar. No landmarks, no familiar faces, no light to follow. I returned to work, went about my duties and got my bus home. I was living with a friend at the time who was home, I remember putting a brave face on as I told him. I remember my partner returning home and telling him, he was happy... for the time being. It was the weekend of St. Patricks/Mothers Day and I was returning to my hometown to see my family. I had no intention of breathing a word to anyone on this trip. The weekend took an unexpected turn with the death of a close family member. I stayed at home longer than intended until the funeral was over.

My return to Dublin was like being slapped in the face with the reality of the situation. This was real, it was happening, I needed a plan. On my lunch break I sat in the basement bathroom on the phone to Cura, or Positive Options. The fear and anxiety of everything was getting too much. Two people knew, and both didn't know how I truly felt. Scared, alone and anxious. The lady on the phone asked me if I had considered all my options. I hung up on that call feeling worse than before. A lady I worked with who I guess looking back I would consider my work mother found me crying in a cubicle, I blurted the whole story out. She knelt in front of me held my hand and said 'Aundrea, you have to tell your family.' So I called and came down from Dublin, my heart in my mouth and said the words out loud. 'Im pregnant'.  My life as I knew it was over. All the options were laid out in front of me, including travelling for an abortion. I recoiled at the word. But I respectfully said I would talk to someone and consider all my options.

I did go to meet with someone, and as I sat in that waiting room, I was surrounded by young women all considering or adamant about making that trip across the sea. Some were visibly and understandably emotional. Others were quietly resigned to their decision, speaking in hushed voices about the reasons why. As I sat there, I thought about how brave those women were, to make maybe the toughest decision they would ever face in their life. There was no judgement in that room, just a sense of silent support as meek smiles were exchanged if eyes met. It was in that moment I knew, I shouldn't be there. This wasn't for me. No judgement, just an infinite respect for the women who knew it was the right choice for them. As I left that building I felt a sense of relief. That this was the right thing for me. In that moment, it didn't matter what anyone else thought of me, it was my decision, something no one could take away from me.

On the bus journey to my apartment, my body and my mind were firmly rooted with me, but my heart remained in that waiting room, it was with the 5 women who occupied it with me before I had walked out. I thought about how difficult that choice must have been for them, the obstacles now facing them. Having to leave the country as one person, and returning forever changed. I remember thinking that it shouldn't be. Those 5 women have often crossed my mind, at the strangest of times. I find myself thinking about them, their journeys, their experience, how they were now, how they felt.

It's been 11 years since I made that decision, time has of course moved us on, but our country has not progressed. We still labour under the misapprehension that we have the right to dictate what women do with their bodies. We are still exporting women, still denying them their bodily autonomy. This country has a sad history of hiding, hushing, silencing and ignoring women. No more. I can tell you from personal experience that a crisis or unplanned pregnancy is the scariest thing a woman can face. The sense of fear, anxiety, loneliness and yes, even shame are overwhelming and made infinitely more difficult by the lack of options.

I don't want to bog this post down with statistics. There are people far more qualified than me to inform you on such things. I'm writing this because my experience made me a staunch advocate for choice, for women, and for our voices being heard. It's time. It's about making an already difficult decision a little easier, its about removing the stigma, the judgement and the uncertainty for the women of this country in the future. It's for our daughters, our nieces, our grandchildren. It's time to give them the choice without being ashamed. The Repeal campaign is a labour of love for so many citizens in this country, both male and female. It is an act of love and trust for the women of Ireland. Its so important to respect women enough to show support on Repealing the 8th. In my experience with this country and progressive votes such as Voting Yes to Gay Marriage, I couldn't have been prouder of our little island. It's time to be proud of what we stand for again, of who we are as a Nation.

I believe that love, trust, respect and educating yourself on any matter in this Nation especially Repealing will always outweigh the need to scaremonger, spread misinformation and suppress the voices of those who came before this Vote. I will never be able to state the importance of choice enough, there is not one day that passes where I don't think about my decision and not a week that passes where my heart doesn't find those 5 women in that waiting room. So once again, For our daughters, our nieces, our grandchildren and for future generations. It's time, it's time to Repeal the 8th.

Weight, Shame, Unhappiness and Me...

Hey there,

It's me, Aundrea... I know what you're thinking 'It's been 3 years, you don't call, you never write...' I know, I know! The truth is, I haven't really had anything to say. I've spent the past few years being encapsulated in my own little world but I always promised myself I would come back when I have something to say, so here I am.

Most of you know me either in real life, through social media or for my ramblings and reviews in the world of fragrance and cosmetics or at the very least, that one post where I had my bottom and vagina waxed for your entertainment... yeah, they were good times right? Actually, some of the best, but thats not what prompted me to sit down and open up Blogger tonight. Yes this post is about me, but it's the part of me you've never seen. The insecure, lost, and slightly irrational side of me that I have been battling for as long as I can remember.

Last June something happened in my personal life that prompted me to take a long hard look in the mirror, and let me tell you as someone who had spent the past 10 years actively avoiding mirrors, the reflection that stared back at me was not something I was ready for. So you can understand what I mean when I say this let me explain a few things to you.

If you had known me in my late teens, early 20's the girl you would have known was genuinely happy, she was funny, smart, sarcastic, loving and a little bit of a push over. This post is about how I lost that girl, became one I didn't like and found a way to become a woman I love.

In 2006 I met a guy in a bar that my friends and I used to hang out at a couple of nights a week... that night changed my life and would lead to a series of events that would rock the very foundations of the person I was and would have a lasting effect on the person I would become for the next 10 years. I often look back on that night and wonder how different my life would have been if he hadn't joined us at our table...

I have written about my experience with domestic violence before... For me, the daily abuse I suffered while I was pregnant with this mans child is still something I have trouble comprehending. When I talk about it, I feel like in a way I have become so detached from the situation that it almost feels like I'm talking about events in someone else's life instead of my own. I went through things that no man or woman should ever have to go through and as a result it changed the very foundation of the person I am. One person went into that relationship, a very different one came out. A girl who was afraid of confrontation, who saw no value in herself or what she could offer people, someone who was afraid of letting people get close to her, who couldn't take even the smallest criticism without falling apart, who couldn't trust and because of all this, someone who hated what she saw when she looked in the mirror.

It is important that you know this to understand how I ended up at that point last Summer. Yes my life continued and yes I've met people along the way who have shown me that there is good out there, that I can trust and above all know my worth but this battle hasn't been an easy win. My coping mechanism to get from that girl, to a year ago was comfort, and like when I was a teenager my comfort was food. My weight began to creep upward from the moment that relationship ended, and it continued to do so for 9 years until I saw a picture of myself at my daughters communion. I was completely and utterly ashamed of the image that stared back at me. Was that me? Was that what I had become? How did I let this happen?

This led to a couple of months of soul searching on my behalf to try and figure out where it all began and the truth is what I just described above is how it started, I used food as a means to either reward or console myself every single time something went right or wrong in my life. And here I was, disgusted with the person I had become. No self confidence, once again, no self worth, avoiding social interactions, not to mention mirrors. I needed to do something, I needed to take back control of my life and begin to shape myself into the person I wanted to be. Thats when I decided the weight had to go.

This meant having a fairly serious conversation with myself about realistic expectations. I have never in my entire life been what you would refer to as thin, and I never will be. It's not about that, the goal here is my health and happiness. I wanted to be a reasonable weight and in all honesty if I got to somewhere between 12 and a half or 13 stone I would be over the moon. So thats the target I set myself, the next issue was HOW?! I spoke to my GP who I adore, she is literally the most supportive person, the kind that gives it to you straight without reducing you to tears... always a bonus right?! We spoke about a variety of different options and I decided on Slimming World.

I found my local group online and called the number attached, a lady called Sinead was the group leader. My heart was in my mouth as the phone rang out, when she answered we spoke about group times and locations and I decided on a Tuesday group at 7.30pm. That gave me 6 days to mentally prepare myself to attend and face the numbers on the scales. I feel it's worth mentioning at this point that I hadn't stepped on a scales in oh i don't know 10 years?! I knew it wasn't going to be easy but I also knew that this was what I had to do to take control over a situation that was making me desperately unhappy.

Tuesday January the 24th rolled around, it was the day after my birthday... and I promised myself that if I was going to do this, I was all in. I left the house at 7pm, poised for an anxiety attack, worried about being judged and afraid of the harsh truth that awaited me when I stepped on those scales. I'm not going to the the breakdown of the induction and meetings that inevitably come with these weightloss posts because no doubt you've heard it before. Just know that when I stepped on those scales, NOTHING could have prepared me for those numbers that stared back at me. Sinead never batt an eyelid, she asked me for an interim target and told me I could do this, and for the first time in my life, I believed that.

It's been 4 months of my weekly Tuesday night meetings, and my life has changed exponentially for the better. Already I have more confidence than those 10 years lost combined, I'm a happier person, I'm a healthier person and I am also happy to report that I am also nearly 2 stone lighter. Some of this I had hoped for, dare I say expected? But the one thing I didn't expect was the love and support that have come my way since making the decision to join that group. The women and men that I have met have become family in a way. We are there for each other each and every week, we're genuinely delighted for the losses and targets achieved and we feel the pain of those bad weeks and gains, my group have taught me that I'm not alone in this struggle and that I have people there to lean on in times of need and who I can support and encourage in return in their times of need. It is honestly one of the best decisions I have ever made.

My life has already changed so much, I still have a long way to go, but knowing how great it feels to have come this far and seeing those positive changes in myself as well as my body is really the best gift I could have ever given myself. I feel like I have become fully aware of who I am, and the person I will continuously strive to be, because I know how shitty it felt to be so utterly lost. Thats why I wanted to write this post, it is in a way, a testament to myself and how far I have come in a year. I can look in the mirror and know that instead of hating the person looking back, I can be proud of the one I've become. It has taken a lot to get to this point and it'll take a lot more to get to where I want to be, but I'm a work in progress and there is nothing wrong with that... it has taken me a long time to learn to be kind to myself and show myself some sort of love or encouragement. If even the smallest part of this post sounds familiar to you, or prompts you to try and improve your happiness then writing this post has been worth it.

Deciding to take the steps to work and improve on yourself is never easy, but one of the most important relationships we have in life is with ourselves... don't you think thats a relationship worth cultivating? I certainly do, my only regret is its taken me so long to do it.

If you've gotten to this point, thank you for reading. Be kind to yourself, and if you've been trifling with the idea of some self improvement, my advice is go for it! You never know where it may lead you...

Aundrea x

Think Pink with Yves Saint Laurent - Rose Glow Collection

Hey Ladies,

I hope you're all well! My infinite infatuation with YSL reigns supreme today with a look at their incredibly beautiful Rose Glow Collection. "My favourite colour after black, is pink" - Yves Saint Laurent, a man after my own heart. At it's heart, it is nothing if not a stunning rose gold collection, reminding us that a touch of rosy pink with subtle underlying gold tones is the secret to a universally flattering, youthful glow. Let's take a closer look, shall we?

First up lets take a look at the exquisite Rose Gold Primer, this I have found to my absolute delight has a multitude of uses, you can mix it with your foundation for an all over glow, over foundation as an added highlighter, or my favourite use, is to wear it on its own, once applied to a well moisturised face it gives you the most fantastic dewy look, and it's subtle rose gold flecks lends you a beautiful glow without the disco ball side effect.

The Rose Gold Highlighter is a new look to an old favourite, Le Touche Eclat has been a staple in my makeup collection since a time where my entire makeup collection fit into a small makeup bag... This re imagining gives us what we love about the Touche Eclat but with an added surge of pink shimmering light, it really is just beautiful. I can only hope that YSL choose to make this a permanent product in their collection.

And now for the piece de resistance, The Rose Gold Blush *swoons* I am head over heals about this product and it is absolutely my favourite from the collection. Here we have a light pink shimmer incased in a burst of cerise perfection. This, is a show stopping blush. A light hand gives you just a subtle flush of this gorgeous colour, but if you're brave (and I recommend your are when it comes to this) what you're left with it, is the most incredible pop of pink on the cheeks, it really is unique and unlike anything I have in my collection, and that my dears, really says something!

My final thoughts? In my opinion YSL have proved time and time again that they can do no wrong when it comes to their collection of truly stunning permanent and limited edition products and this is no exception. If you're a fan of YSL & a fan of Rose Gold, I highly recommend you check this collection out, it doesn't disappoint!

Thats it for now ladies,

I hope you enjoyed,

What are your thoughts on the collection?

Are you tempted?!

As always,

Let me know below!

Until next time 

xoxo

Aundrea

Ziaja - Manuka Tree Purifying Range

Hey Ladies,

I hope you're all well! Back to one of my all time favourite topics today, skincare. My second favourite topic vis a vis skincare is how Ziaja keep managing to knock it out of the park when it comes to affordable, reliable and effective skincare ranges. Today I'm taking a look at the newly launched 'Manuka Tree Purifying Range' for oily and combination skin.

First up we have the Normalising Cleansing Gel. Full disclosure up front, I am not a massive fan of cleansing gels, I find them sticky and generally unpleasant to work with, I much prefer cream cleansers. This was good though, it felt really nice on, almost cooling on the skin. I've taken to using it with my Clarisonic to get the full effect because my skin has just been atrocious lately. I have to say, for a gel cleanser, it wasn't the nightmare I was expecting, there was no sticky residue and zero tackiness which was great. It left my skin feeling clean and soft, what more can you ask for?

The Astringent Face Toner is one of my favourites from the collection, it feels almost lotion like, very luxurious and smells just incredible. It contains organic acids which makes it an exfoliating toner, it's by no means harsh though, it's a real treat to use. My skin always feels squeaky clean without feeling dried out or tight. It's terrific if you're having any sort of a breakout, it really does the trick with preping the skin for any further treatment.

The Normalising Day cream, I have found is a great base for under makeup. It seems to keep my t-zone woes under control, and you can't fault that. I do prefer something with a higher SPF in it though, so I've been mixing in my current SPF of choice if I know that I'll be out and about that day and it holds up really nicely.

The Gently Exfoliating Night Cream I just love, love LOVE! This is an absolute pleasure to use, it contains 3% Almond acid which helps to exfoliate the skin and assist with the regeneration of new cells. Like the rest of the range, it smells amazing. This applies like a dream, and sinks in quickly, I honestly cannot fault it, my skin has improved so much with persistent use.

The Deeply Cleansing Peeling Paste is the stand out product from the range for me. Here's the thing, the first time I used this Glam Glow came to mind, it dries in the same way, and it sucks all the crap out of your skin in an even more explosive way than GG. With Ziaja you get a whopping 75ml of product for €4.99 vs €60 from Glam Glow, it's exactly the same effect and I have tried every GG Mask. Trust me, save yourself €55 and you'll be bowled over with the results. I found it incredible.

All in all, I give the Manuka Tree Range from Ziaja two very enthusiastic thumbs up. For just under €30 you have yourself an effective and well stocked skincare regime. Whether you're having trouble with acne, oily skin or you know a teenager who is going through a rough time (we all remember how much fun that was right?) It's such a terrific range and I honestly cannot recommend it enough.

That's it for now ladies,

I hope you enjoyed!

Any stand out products above that you feel

you might like to try?

As always,

Let me know below!

Until next time

xoxo

Aundrea

La Vie est Belle - L'Absolu de Parfum & Illuminating Fragrance Oil by Lancome

Hey Ladies,

I hope you're all well! I have new products from a fragrance line that I just adore to share with you today! You all know by now of my obsession with La Vie est Belle from Lancome. I'm 5 bottles in with the original fragrance the EDP, and on my second bottle of the L'EDT. So when I found out there was to be a new L'ADP & Fragrance Oil to be released, I jumped on that bandwagon without a single moments hesitation. Let's take a closer look, shall we?

First up lets take a look at the L'Absolu De Parfum. More intense and more luxurious than the original L'ADP takes the best notes and intensifies them to the point of swoon worthiness. Once again perfumers Dominique Ropion & Anne Flipo have worked their magic to give us one of the most incredible scent experiences of 2014. The top notes of the fragrance are pear and blackcurrent, it has a heart of iris, orange blossom, damascus rose and jasmine. The base notes are what really makes this fragrance something special for me, tonka bean, praline, cashmere and if I'm not mistaken a hint of Vanilla. The key ingredients for an 'Aundrea will love' fragrance. What I adore about this new take on  La Vie est Belle, is that Lancome have found a way to keep it constantly evolving on your skin. That initial spritz has a beautiful powdery feel to it, but once you leave it to do it's thing, you are rewarded with the most intense infusion of sweet meets woodiness, mingling elegantly together in a way that only Lancome's La Vie est Belle can seem to accomplish in the oh so effortless spritz of a perfume. It really is incredibly beautiful.

The Illuminating Fragrance Oil for me, is a no brainer 'you need it, and you need it now' sort of product. It's a non-greasy dry oil infused with the exquisite scent of the iconic La Vie est Belle fragrance. Lancome have enhanced it with three of the most active natural oils. Sweet Almond plant oil, for its softening and nourishing properties. Apricot oil for it's fatty acids and antioxidants which help repair and tone the skin. And Sesame Oil for its anti-inflammatory and healing properties. I should also mention that this is a multi use oil. I like to use it after a long, hot bath before bed, the scent is so incredibly relaxing and because it's one of my all time favourites wearing it feels like coming home, which pretty much guarantees a blissful nights slumber! You can also use this as a hair oil, I find it fantastic for dry ends and it gives a terrific shine without looking greasy! 

Both of these new additions to the range are so luxurious, and such a beautiful way to spoil yourself! There really is no excuse not to run out and buy one if not both of these, especially if you're a fan of the fragrance range like I am. My only hope is that Lancome will bring out a La Vie est Belle Bath Oil, and maybe a linen mist too?! I can't seem to get enough of this fragrance. It's l'absolu love (see what I did there?! I'll get me coat).

That's it for now ladies,

I hope you enjoyed.

What are your thoughts on Lancome's newest additions?

Will you be purchasing?!

As always let me know below!

Until next time

xoxo

Aundrea

Skinician's Miracle Glycolic Peel at The White Orchid Walkinstown

Hey Ladies,

I hope you're all well. I have a unique post for you today, all about the marvel's of The Skinician Glycolic Face Peel. I recently paid a visit to my go to salon in Dublin, The White Orchid in Walkinstown. Some of you may remember the post I did on my experience with Waxperts Hollywood  Treatment I received there. Let me tell you, I was more than a little excited when my favourite beautician Janice asked me to come in to review Skinician's Glycolic Peel, I was unsure what to expect, mainly I was just hoping I didn't leave looking like this.... If you don't get the following reference, we just can't be friends anymore.

Of course, I was in good hands and had one of the most relaxing and enjoyable experiences in my beauty blogging career! Janice had some questions for me: skin type, problem areas etc, and with me under a fleecy blanket of loveliness she set to work.

Janice began by using the Revitalising Cleanser to ensure that my face was clean and fully prepped. She then used the Purifying Cleansing Gel as part of the double cleanse, paying particular attention to the clogged and congested problem areas I had told her about, which by the way smelled so, so good. The next step was the incredibly fine Facial Exfoliator she used to slough away the on-the-surface dead skin. 

Now for the main event, and one of the most heavenly experience I have ever been privy to, the Glycolic Peel itself. Janice applied a generous layer of the treatment, which I have to say smelled absolutely incredible! It tingled a little, but was by no means uncomfortable in any way, shape of form. I found the scent and this entire section of the process so relaxing. While the treatment was working it's magic, Janice used the signature Relaxing Oil for a neck, shoulder and arm massage. As you can imagine, at this stage, I was ready to fall asleep! 

Once Janice removed the Glycolic Peel, she then applied the Purifying Mask, followed by the Hydrating Repair Mask (talk about being pampered!). After they had been rinsed off and Janice checked that I was still breathing due the lack of my regular babbling, she told me that she was in the final stages of the treatment. She applied the uber luxurious Advanced Calming Serum, Restoring Night Cream and Advanced Eye Repair. Janice informed me that she was going to give me a few minutes to bring myself back into the land of the living. My time with Skinician's Glycolic Face Peel was up. 

My final thoughts on the treatment? Absolutely incredible and worth every single cent! Although, a treatment as luxurious as this won't set you back as much as you think. It's €39 for the facial, which is incredibly affordable knowing the quality of both the treatment and the therapist that are included in the price. I left feeling incredibly relaxed, my skin felt soft, smooth, clean and glowing. I'm so in love with The White Orchid, Janice never disappoints and she always goes above and beyond to make sure you're relaxed and happy while providing the best treatments available. I honestly can't recommend her, her beautiful salon and the incredible Skinician Facial enough!

That's it for now ladies,

I hope you enjoyed!

Have you ever had a Glycolic Peel?

What are your thoughts?

If you have any Skinician products to recommend,

As always, let me know below!

Until next time

xoxo

Aundrea 

To make an appointment with Janice at The White Orchid:
Call - 01 456 9079
Facebook - here.

Under the Nail File - A Trip to NJM Nails Athlone

Hey Ladies,

I hope you're all well! This is a first for me, I've never done a nail post before. The main reason being  because I have massive trust issues when it comes to my nails. I kind of subscribed to the school of thought that if I did them myself and messed them up, I'd have no one else to blame! Recently on Instagram and Twitter I had noticed pictures popping up in both feeds, of incredible nail designs from a gal in my hometown, Nicola. I was so impressed that we arranged an appointment for myself and Addie to travel out and have a Mammy/Daughter pamper day and get our nails done!

 Lady Addison went first, and chose the most adorable design! I was really excited right from the off, mainly because Addie was so excited! She chose her colours and Nicola set off to work filing, buffing and putting Addie right at ease. It was lovely to see Addison so entranced by the entire process, she got a big kick out of the dotting tool, I think in her eyes Nicola soon became a nail magician rather than a nail technician! A title well deserved in my opinion, just look at the incredible job she did!

Once Princess Addie was finito, it was my turn to go under the file! I had been thinking about a change in nail shape for quite a while, so I decided to go from square tips to Stiletto's! I was really surprised at how quick Nicola was able to transform my nails from Chanel Ballet Pumps to mile high Louboutin's! I know if I'd attempted it, I'd still be filing... We decided on a nude/pink gel, with incredible Swarovski crystals (yes, real ones!). Once she had finished, my nails felt and looked a million dollars. I was so, so impressed with the skill and precision with which Nicola worked, the end result was more than incredible and I honestly can say with total confidence, I would never let another person touch my nails again. I will absolutely be returning to keep my nails in tip top shape! I know they're in the best hands. Here's a before and after of my nails!

Here's a quick peek at some of the amazing custom designs and colours Nicola has on offer in her Salon - 

So that's it for now ladies,

I hope you enjoyed!

Let me know your experiences with getting your nails done!

The Good, The Bad and The Ugly! 

I want to hear it all!

Until next time

xoxo

Aundrea

If you would like to make an appointment with Nicola at NJM Nails Athlone:

PHONE: 0868289170

EMAIL: njmnailsirl@gmail.com

TWITTER: @NJMNails

INSTAGRAM: @njmnails

Nicola is also available to hire for events!

Elemis Vs. This Works: Deep Sleep Pillow Spray

Hey ladies,

I hope you're well. I have a battle of the deep sleep spray's for you today! I had never been a particularly bad sleeper until recently when I began having steroid injections for my Tendonitis. I'm not so good with steroids, I can't sleep, and then the OCD starts to kick in which leads to me re-organising my makeup collection or cleaning the house at 4 in the morning. Even with the sleeping tablets my doctor had prescribed to combat that, they didn't help much. 

Que advice from the ever fabulous Chloe over at NurseFancyPants who mentioned the great things This Works Deep Sleep Spray had done for her, and kindly offered to send me a spare bottle she had to try it. Whilst I was gutting and redecorating my room (another terrific idea I'd had whilst trying to find sleep) I came across a bottle of the Elemis Quite Mind spray which is supposed to have a similar effect, and thusly the battle of the sleep spray's began!

So up first is the Elemis Quiet Mind Spray. I have to be honest straight off the bat and say, the smell of this is incredibly cloying. You would nearly need to spray it and come back 45 minutes later when it's calmed down, but even then it's very strong. It contains lavender, eucalyptus, patchouli, all to promote a quite mind and good nights sleep, neither of which seemed to befall me when I used it. But, to be fair to the product, I have used it when I'm over the affects of the steroids and it's ok, nothing to write home about. It is disappointing. Not what I have come to expect from Elemis, which is unfortunate. I'll continue to use it until I finish the bottle of course, but I doubt there'll be any miracles!

My little miracle product, the This Works - Deep Sleep Pillow Spray! My first experience with This Works was when I picked up 2 incredible candles in TK Maxx: the Petitgrain & Jasmine and the Vetivert & Lavender, both of which smell amazing! I had read about the Deep Sleep Candle, but had never heard of the spray until Chloe mentioned it to me. As I said above she was super generous in sending me her spare bottle so, that night and almost every night since I have been using this on my pillow, and my, my This Works (see what I did there?!) an absolute treat! I can happily report that there was no re-organising my nail polish collection at stupid o'clock in the morning! It contains essential oils of lavender, camomile and Vetivert to soothe the body and mind! Addie went through a bit of a growth spurt recently which meant she wasn't sleeping that well so I used this on her pillow and it did the trick too, so I can say with confidence that this is a terrific little product!

All in all, the This Works - Deep Sleep Spray far surpasses the Elemis Quite Mind. I am absolutely enamoured with it, I actually received a back up spray in a goodie bag at the opening of the Space NK Apothecary last week, which is terrific. Another plus myself and the lovely Chloe were discussing was that no matter how much you spray it, it seems to last forever, always a huge bonus when you happen to be a little bit in the actual love with a product right?!

So, that's it for now ladies!

I hope you've enjoyed!

What are your thoughts on sleep sprays?

Are you a fan?!

As always, let me know below!

Until next time

xoxo

Aundrea