Lundi

On social media they posted taunts at Hurricane Lorenzo,

Willing him into a tropical storm.

His gales though carried your unwritten messages away.
Silence and Seafret,
That feeling of relief,
A week spent with empty messages drifting aimlessly in darkness.
The failed midnight meeting along the metal tracks.

The dimmed station, where I waited in purgatory.
The neon painted lights of the buildings that surrounded.
The drunken shouting at the stop.
The nail polish I chip away at.

The dreary dawn showed up too quickly that night.
The rain that fell in a thin mist
Helped to carry the tears away.
I left at 12:20 with one thought.
I had failed to reach you.

Whats left of me, steeps in the tub.
It needs to soak. 'Leave it', I think.
You had gone away, I had come home.
And what's left of me,
It loosens and the water carries it away.

The Physics of the Quest

 

“I've come to believe that there exists in the universe something I call "The Physics of The Quest" — a force of nature governed by laws as real as the laws of gravity or momentum. And the rule of Quest Physics maybe goes like this: "If you are brave enough to leave behind everything familiar and comforting (which can be anything from your house to your bitter old resentments) and set out on a truth-seeking journey (either externally or internally), and if you are truly willing to regard everything that happens to you on that journey as a clue, and if you accept everyone you meet along the way as a teacher, and if you are prepared – most of all – to face and forgive some very difficult realities about yourself... then truth will not be withheld from you."

A decade is a long time, but it can also feel like no time at all. Lessons learned, trust betrayed, hearts broken, promises that have never been kept and relationships which end in an unanswerable great abyss of nothingness.

As time continues to forever move us forward, for the unlucky few, it becomes ever apparent that we are to make our way through our toughest journeys, alone.

As someone who used to consider herself an eternal optimist (now semi hardened realist) its difficult to admit that at some point, you have to accept people are built to disappoint you. Imaginary letters never sent, foundations built on empty promises, broken trust teetering on oblivion. It is a constant fairground carousel of deceit, disappointment and hurt.

Any major trauma we endure, is always dealt with alone. You put stock in the prettily worded sentences of vague offers of support made with no intention of ever seeing them through. Declarations of love on a road leading nowhere. A Mismatched, misguided heart surrounded by the scar tissue of a million empty words.  

So what does it all mean? The belief in your fairy tale ending? It was in you, deep as poison. Encroaching on your fragile heart, spooling their thorned vines around it, locking those damaging splinters in place, creating primed, minute, fractures ready to be shattered with each tap driven into it with a sledgehammer wielded by those you so naively leant your trust to.

By now you should be used to it... not everyone has your heart's best interest in mind, not everyone's promises mean something. An attempt was made to plant a bitter and cynical seed where once there was a pure belief in love.

Deep down you knew this was coming. They've never missed an opportunity to remind you just how insignificant you can be in their world. And it crushes you every time. You let it crush you because you can't bring yourself to inflict the pain. It can crush but this time it didn't break you. Because this time the reenforcement of that fragile heart behind the scenes made all the difference. It will always hurt, it hurts because it mattered once, but no more. 

Life continues, a heart mends, you progress, the world continues to spin. I used to wonder how the earth never fell from its axis with the weight of emotional pain people carry around. But, I have learned there is nothing so bad it is impossible to recover from.

So, the physics of the quest in this scenario? You have to have faith, faith in others, in yourself. In the universe. We are unpredictable as a species, self involved, self destructive and inexplicable in our actions. But on the other hand as a result of this bump on the cosmic highway I have experienced the most incredible kindness, from the most unexpected sources. I have had to face and forgive some very difficult realities about myself. And the answer to the question on the end of this journey? No one can write my story for me. So I will pick myself up, dust my heart off, learn to trust once more and put nothing out into the universe that doesn't have the best intentions attached. We can never be broken down so far that we cannot rebuild ourselves stronger, wiser and more empathetic. 

As we continue on this beautiful road called life I will be infinitely grateful for the incredible good that has revealed itself, which was always there and which is stronger than ever. You have learned through this journey that unconditional love exists and it is a beautiful thing. Something which could have so easily hardened me and stripped me of my belief? Has only reenforced it further. There is something bittersweet and poetic about it because there is nothing to be lost, only gained. And an appreciation for what was found in the process, the most precious of things.

A fond farewell to the last decade... and on to the next chapter. 

I carry all the good with me, 

Always.

Age 21, The 8th Amendment and Me. Why We Need to Repeal.

Ugh, well here's a post I never expected to write... It's funny, the only things that have really prompted me to sit down and write lately, are the topics I feel extremely passionate about. This story isn't going to be an easy one for me to tell. It's one I have never spoken about publicly before, those close to me may know it, but for the most part, it has remained locked away inside.

My experience with the 8th Amendment is extremely personal, not everyone will agree, not everyone has to. That is the joy of living in a democracy. To be honest, in my late teens and early 20's it was something I believed would never affect me. Until, it did.

I found out I was pregnant in early March of 2007. I was living in Dublin at the time, working in Merrion Square. I remember going to the doctor on my lunch break, not being able to shake the feeling of nausea that had plagued me for weeks. 'I'm just run down.' I thought. The 6am starts coupled with an already somewhat volatile relationship I had been in for 6 months at the time. I remember the doctor asking me for a urine sample, I had a history of kidney infections and UTI's so in my book, this was par for the course. Until she popped a strip into the pot, it wasn't the familiar one, with the blocks of colour that would tell me if I had to fork out a fortune I didn't have on antibiotics I wasn't sure I needed. I remember those three minutes in painstaking detail. I remember the ticking of the clock on the wall, the creak of the chair the unfamiliar GP sat in as she moved uncomfortably. She was a stranger,  I had never met her before, she never once met my anxious gaze. I remember her picking up the plastic tab, she tapped it 4 times off the pot and snapped the top of the test back into place, and handed it to me. I stared at the test, then at her. 'I don't know what this means?' I said feeling a sense of dread and panic take hold. "It means you're pregnant, congratulations."

I don't even remember leaving her office, I remember regaining some sense of self on a bench in the park in Merrion Square. I sat staring in the direction of Hollis Street, tears silently streaming down my face. Plagued by one single question 'What am I going to do?' I began the walk back to work in a daze. Everything was different, it was as if the world around me was in a fog and I was too far away to recognise anything familiar. No landmarks, no familiar faces, no light to follow. I returned to work, went about my duties and got my bus home. I was living with a friend at the time who was home, I remember putting a brave face on as I told him. I remember my partner returning home and telling him, he was happy... for the time being. It was the weekend of St. Patricks/Mothers Day and I was returning to my hometown to see my family. I had no intention of breathing a word to anyone on this trip. The weekend took an unexpected turn with the death of a close family member. I stayed at home longer than intended until the funeral was over.

My return to Dublin was like being slapped in the face with the reality of the situation. This was real, it was happening, I needed a plan. On my lunch break I sat in the basement bathroom on the phone to Cura, or Positive Options. The fear and anxiety of everything was getting too much. Two people knew, and both didn't know how I truly felt. Scared, alone and anxious. The lady on the phone asked me if I had considered all my options. I hung up on that call feeling worse than before. A lady I worked with who I guess looking back I would consider my work mother found me crying in a cubicle, I blurted the whole story out. She knelt in front of me held my hand and said 'Aundrea, you have to tell your family.' So I called and came down from Dublin, my heart in my mouth and said the words out loud. 'Im pregnant'.  My life as I knew it was over. All the options were laid out in front of me, including travelling for an abortion. I recoiled at the word. But I respectfully said I would talk to someone and consider all my options.

I did go to meet with someone, and as I sat in that waiting room, I was surrounded by young women all considering or adamant about making that trip across the sea. Some were visibly and understandably emotional. Others were quietly resigned to their decision, speaking in hushed voices about the reasons why. As I sat there, I thought about how brave those women were, to make maybe the toughest decision they would ever face in their life. There was no judgement in that room, just a sense of silent support as meek smiles were exchanged if eyes met. It was in that moment I knew, I shouldn't be there. This wasn't for me. No judgement, just an infinite respect for the women who knew it was the right choice for them. As I left that building I felt a sense of relief. That this was the right thing for me. In that moment, it didn't matter what anyone else thought of me, it was my decision, something no one could take away from me.

On the bus journey to my apartment, my body and my mind were firmly rooted with me, but my heart remained in that waiting room, it was with the 5 women who occupied it with me before I had walked out. I thought about how difficult that choice must have been for them, the obstacles now facing them. Having to leave the country as one person, and returning forever changed. I remember thinking that it shouldn't be. Those 5 women have often crossed my mind, at the strangest of times. I find myself thinking about them, their journeys, their experience, how they were now, how they felt.

It's been 11 years since I made that decision, time has of course moved us on, but our country has not progressed. We still labour under the misapprehension that we have the right to dictate what women do with their bodies. We are still exporting women, still denying them their bodily autonomy. This country has a sad history of hiding, hushing, silencing and ignoring women. No more. I can tell you from personal experience that a crisis or unplanned pregnancy is the scariest thing a woman can face. The sense of fear, anxiety, loneliness and yes, even shame are overwhelming and made infinitely more difficult by the lack of options.

I don't want to bog this post down with statistics. There are people far more qualified than me to inform you on such things. I'm writing this because my experience made me a staunch advocate for choice, for women, and for our voices being heard. It's time. It's about making an already difficult decision a little easier, its about removing the stigma, the judgement and the uncertainty for the women of this country in the future. It's for our daughters, our nieces, our grandchildren. It's time to give them the choice without being ashamed. The Repeal campaign is a labour of love for so many citizens in this country, both male and female. It is an act of love and trust for the women of Ireland. Its so important to respect women enough to show support on Repealing the 8th. In my experience with this country and progressive votes such as Voting Yes to Gay Marriage, I couldn't have been prouder of our little island. It's time to be proud of what we stand for again, of who we are as a Nation.

I believe that love, trust, respect and educating yourself on any matter in this Nation especially Repealing will always outweigh the need to scaremonger, spread misinformation and suppress the voices of those who came before this Vote. I will never be able to state the importance of choice enough, there is not one day that passes where I don't think about my decision and not a week that passes where my heart doesn't find those 5 women in that waiting room. So once again, For our daughters, our nieces, our grandchildren and for future generations. It's time, it's time to Repeal the 8th.

Weight, Shame, Unhappiness and Me...

Hey there,

It's me, Aundrea... I know what you're thinking 'It's been 3 years, you don't call, you never write...' I know, I know! The truth is, I haven't really had anything to say. I've spent the past few years being encapsulated in my own little world but I always promised myself I would come back when I have something to say, so here I am.

Most of you know me either in real life, through social media or for my ramblings and reviews in the world of fragrance and cosmetics or at the very least, that one post where I had my bottom and vagina waxed for your entertainment... yeah, they were good times right? Actually, some of the best, but thats not what prompted me to sit down and open up Blogger tonight. Yes this post is about me, but it's the part of me you've never seen. The insecure, lost, and slightly irrational side of me that I have been battling for as long as I can remember.

Last June something happened in my personal life that prompted me to take a long hard look in the mirror, and let me tell you as someone who had spent the past 10 years actively avoiding mirrors, the reflection that stared back at me was not something I was ready for. So you can understand what I mean when I say this let me explain a few things to you.

If you had known me in my late teens, early 20's the girl you would have known was genuinely happy, she was funny, smart, sarcastic, loving and a little bit of a push over. This post is about how I lost that girl, became one I didn't like and found a way to become a woman I love.

In 2006 I met a guy in a bar that my friends and I used to hang out at a couple of nights a week... that night changed my life and would lead to a series of events that would rock the very foundations of the person I was and would have a lasting effect on the person I would become for the next 10 years. I often look back on that night and wonder how different my life would have been if he hadn't joined us at our table...

I have written about my experience with domestic violence before... For me, the daily abuse I suffered while I was pregnant with this mans child is still something I have trouble comprehending. When I talk about it, I feel like in a way I have become so detached from the situation that it almost feels like I'm talking about events in someone else's life instead of my own. I went through things that no man or woman should ever have to go through and as a result it changed the very foundation of the person I am. One person went into that relationship, a very different one came out. A girl who was afraid of confrontation, who saw no value in herself or what she could offer people, someone who was afraid of letting people get close to her, who couldn't take even the smallest criticism without falling apart, who couldn't trust and because of all this, someone who hated what she saw when she looked in the mirror.

It is important that you know this to understand how I ended up at that point last Summer. Yes my life continued and yes I've met people along the way who have shown me that there is good out there, that I can trust and above all know my worth but this battle hasn't been an easy win. My coping mechanism to get from that girl, to a year ago was comfort, and like when I was a teenager my comfort was food. My weight began to creep upward from the moment that relationship ended, and it continued to do so for 9 years until I saw a picture of myself at my daughters communion. I was completely and utterly ashamed of the image that stared back at me. Was that me? Was that what I had become? How did I let this happen?

This led to a couple of months of soul searching on my behalf to try and figure out where it all began and the truth is what I just described above is how it started, I used food as a means to either reward or console myself every single time something went right or wrong in my life. And here I was, disgusted with the person I had become. No self confidence, once again, no self worth, avoiding social interactions, not to mention mirrors. I needed to do something, I needed to take back control of my life and begin to shape myself into the person I wanted to be. Thats when I decided the weight had to go.

This meant having a fairly serious conversation with myself about realistic expectations. I have never in my entire life been what you would refer to as thin, and I never will be. It's not about that, the goal here is my health and happiness. I wanted to be a reasonable weight and in all honesty if I got to somewhere between 12 and a half or 13 stone I would be over the moon. So thats the target I set myself, the next issue was HOW?! I spoke to my GP who I adore, she is literally the most supportive person, the kind that gives it to you straight without reducing you to tears... always a bonus right?! We spoke about a variety of different options and I decided on Slimming World.

I found my local group online and called the number attached, a lady called Sinead was the group leader. My heart was in my mouth as the phone rang out, when she answered we spoke about group times and locations and I decided on a Tuesday group at 7.30pm. That gave me 6 days to mentally prepare myself to attend and face the numbers on the scales. I feel it's worth mentioning at this point that I hadn't stepped on a scales in oh i don't know 10 years?! I knew it wasn't going to be easy but I also knew that this was what I had to do to take control over a situation that was making me desperately unhappy.

Tuesday January the 24th rolled around, it was the day after my birthday... and I promised myself that if I was going to do this, I was all in. I left the house at 7pm, poised for an anxiety attack, worried about being judged and afraid of the harsh truth that awaited me when I stepped on those scales. I'm not going to the the breakdown of the induction and meetings that inevitably come with these weightloss posts because no doubt you've heard it before. Just know that when I stepped on those scales, NOTHING could have prepared me for those numbers that stared back at me. Sinead never batt an eyelid, she asked me for an interim target and told me I could do this, and for the first time in my life, I believed that.

It's been 4 months of my weekly Tuesday night meetings, and my life has changed exponentially for the better. Already I have more confidence than those 10 years lost combined, I'm a happier person, I'm a healthier person and I am also happy to report that I am also nearly 2 stone lighter. Some of this I had hoped for, dare I say expected? But the one thing I didn't expect was the love and support that have come my way since making the decision to join that group. The women and men that I have met have become family in a way. We are there for each other each and every week, we're genuinely delighted for the losses and targets achieved and we feel the pain of those bad weeks and gains, my group have taught me that I'm not alone in this struggle and that I have people there to lean on in times of need and who I can support and encourage in return in their times of need. It is honestly one of the best decisions I have ever made.

My life has already changed so much, I still have a long way to go, but knowing how great it feels to have come this far and seeing those positive changes in myself as well as my body is really the best gift I could have ever given myself. I feel like I have become fully aware of who I am, and the person I will continuously strive to be, because I know how shitty it felt to be so utterly lost. Thats why I wanted to write this post, it is in a way, a testament to myself and how far I have come in a year. I can look in the mirror and know that instead of hating the person looking back, I can be proud of the one I've become. It has taken a lot to get to this point and it'll take a lot more to get to where I want to be, but I'm a work in progress and there is nothing wrong with that... it has taken me a long time to learn to be kind to myself and show myself some sort of love or encouragement. If even the smallest part of this post sounds familiar to you, or prompts you to try and improve your happiness then writing this post has been worth it.

Deciding to take the steps to work and improve on yourself is never easy, but one of the most important relationships we have in life is with ourselves... don't you think thats a relationship worth cultivating? I certainly do, my only regret is its taken me so long to do it.

If you've gotten to this point, thank you for reading. Be kind to yourself, and if you've been trifling with the idea of some self improvement, my advice is go for it! You never know where it may lead you...

Aundrea x