Tuesday 6 February 2024

Welcome to the End of Infinity

There is a theory in quantum mechanics... its that when a conscious observer, observes sub atomic particles the laws of Newtonian physics no longer apply, they break down and cease to exist.  Quantum particles appear to change their behaviour when they're being observed, which poses the immense question, do they have consciousness?

Its funny the things that draw you to write. Grief. Grief for the loss of something truly incredible. And I hear you ask, 'Okay Drea, but what the hell do sub atomic particles have to do with grief?!'.

The simple answer is, consciousness. I remember reading a quote from Neil deGrasse Tyson once, the interviewer asked him what we knew for certain about consciousness. His answer was quite simply... nothing. 'Look at all the books about Physics, Biology, Chemistry, Mechanics etc... there are countless definitive books on every subject. Now show me one definitive book on consciousness, you can't, therefore, we know nothing'.

If there is defining characteristic of consciousness it is that any being changes their behaviour when being observed. Who we are, who we portray ourselves to be, for the most part is entirely dependant on the present observer. Take CERN for example... all those particles and photons being shot at infinite speeds around the Large Hadron Collider... changing their behaviour when observed by a conscious entity (us) and I wonder, do they have the capacity within their consciousness to experience loss and as a result, grief? By another theory it states that not only can they change their behaviour, but they can also choose to blink in and out of existence. It's their superpower.

Me telling you this doesn't really have anything to do with loss, its just that part of being an existentialist where you try and capture the sadness you feel, to compress it in a way that doesn't make you want to self implode. I've never really experienced loss on any grand scale. I'm incredibly lucky in that respect. I have always chosen to live in the present, to love in the present, to never think too far ahead, lest it distract me from the magical moments I might otherwise miss daily. I have always found joy and comfort in the little things. The things one might take for granted. If something bad happens, I think well at least a, b, and c is still whatever'. There is always a silver lining, always. There just has to be. I refused to live in a world where silver linings weren't a thing of beauty and I always ensured I helped others to find their Silver Linings too. I was good at it. It was my superpower.

People come and go, some make a brief appearances others settle into your life like a weird piece of furniture that was always there. I read once that the person you think of as you, exists only for you. Every person you meet, have a relationship with, friendship with, interact with or meet on the street creates a version of you in their heads. There are infinite you's out there. A you exists in everyone you've ever mets mind and yet your you, who you believe yourself to be, it may not be someone to anyone at all.

Sometimes you meet someone you think will always stay, that they will always be there. But life doesn't work that way. I was always more myself with you than with any other. I once shared the belief that some infinities are bigger than others, but what I failed to realise, is that even infinities have an end. Ours cannot be quantified or codified, it will blink in and out of existence as we observe it change under our observation. So maybe, in the end, in that respect our consciousness and the consciousness of atoms and sub atomic particles aren't so different.

We are all infinitely floating, trying to remain present to an observer of our choosing, before finally, blinking out of existence...

Sunday 19 November 2023


You know,

I am sure that there was a time before you...

That, there was a Me before You.

Seemingly disjointed now,

It is, without logical or meaningful connection.

I've become lost when retracing my steps, 

trying to find the precise moment you made yourself at home in a world few are invited to see.

Our shared universe took it's time when crafting us,

Ensuring its tailor made simplicity was the perfect fit.

It left no room for doubt or jealously.

Instead, what it offered was safe harbour.

Where the purpose of our hearts appear, by their very investiture to be... broken.

Our Souls by comparison are no delicate thing. 

They alter by which our alteration finds that

Our Souls do not break, they bend. 

Through this discovery I have come to believe that hearts,

May be seemingly inconsequential by comparison.

We contain multitudes. 

Our beginning was beautiful. 

Our past experiences and collective traumas ensured we mutually handled those broken or fractured parts in only the most delicate fashion. 

It was the perfect foundation, the foundation of Our shared safe harbour. 

I had always imagined my safe harbour to be some illusive place, when in reality the safe harbour I was presented with, was You.

A Harbour by its very definition, reliably contains a vast body of water. They say that the sea is actually black and that it merely reflects and absorbs the blue sky above.

And So it was, for me, with you. 

It was and has been the most singular privilege to reflect who you truly are back to you.

So that you could admire yourself in my eyes. 

Where you are at last... Enough.

If you are the Ocean which surrounds and envelops our safe harbour, I am the waves, for the moment we part I refract, I involuntarily crash and break before dissipating and returning to the Ocean. 

Before returning to you. 

Our Ocean, for all intents and purposes is two separate entities. The Water and the Waves. 

And, although the waves may crash and break, appearing separate, they are always welcomed back by the Ocean, becoming one... once again. 

Just as infinity intended.

Our path on the return journey to our Safe Harbour has presented us both with obstacles.

Navigation has not been plain sailing.

But lessons learned, revealed the emotion that once broke our individual hearts?

Was also the emotion You and I collectively invoked to piece each other together again, conscientiously... meticulously.

I believe in that moment, our souls intertwined... the inexplicable, primordial singularity that created this tiny universe.

Our shared inhabitation, impervious to anyone but you and I...

Impervious to anyone but us.

Tuesday 20 June 2023

Some Infinities Are Bigger Than Other Infinities...

Hey there, it's me again... back to pour out some random musings from the depths of my soul. Nothing to see here, just me trying to make sense of the findings from my latest existential crisis... My recent post about my journey of self discovery focused mostly on my struggle with self image. The overwhelmingly positive response I received to that post was pretty incredible.

In all honesty writing that post was the catalyst for me beginning to examine different facets of my life and my relationships with others. Truth be told relationships of any description be they romantic, friendship or purely associative have always felt like they've come a little more difficult to me than it seems in comparison to observation of others. Relationships to me are deeply complex and based on the individual involved, I have never had the same type of interpersonal relationship with anyone twice.

My circle of close friends is practically non existent. And that has always been a conscious choice on my part. I have serious trust issues, and every time I've decided to take a chance and let someone in, it has resulted in heartbreak of some description. So I decided the only way to protect myself was to put a wall up, to become extremely guarded. Don't get me wrong, to the world I remained who I was but I just didn't let anyone in for fear of being hurt. And through all this, mustering every last shred of insatiable positivity I had, I continued to look for the good in people, only seeing the best. I have plenty of acquaintances in my life who I value dearly, but what had been lacking in my life was one of those once in a lifetime type people. The kind you could tell anything to and know for sure it would never go any further... the type that make your life better by just being there and being exactly who they are.

The expression that kept springing to mind whenever I would feel like I was missing out was 'Aundrea, try to remember quality, not quantity'. For the longest time I told myself that when I least expected it, the universe would introduce someone into my life that would show me that even after all the shitty relationships I could still trust and see the good in people.

What the universe ended up sending me was something infinitely more valuable. You see, what I have learned is that all these harsh lessons and failed friendships haven't been for nothing. They've made me come to the realisation that each journey you have the courage to embark on can be considered a truth seeking mission on your road to becoming fully self aware. I truly believe that if you are willing to leave behind everything familiar and comforting about yourself and set out on this truth seeking journey, be it internal or external. And you are willing to regard everything that happens to you on this journey as a lesson, it will lead you to people who will change the course of your life forever. If you accept these people for who and what they are, and embrace them as teachers, they will help you to face and forgive some very difficult realities about yourself. If you follow this path, the truth will not be withheld from you.

The truth is not always agreeable, it is not always what we want to hear but as much as it can damage and ruin, ruin is the road to transformation. The teachers we encounter who value us enough to share their truth with us, can be the ones to help you to open yourself up to learning more about who you are than you ever thought possible.

Embrace these people wholeheartedly. They don't come along too often. They are the guides and teachers on this beautiful road called life who show us what it means to be who we are. And should you ever be lucky enough to encounter one who makes themselves at home in your life, like they have always been there? Treasure and hold on to them with every fibre of your being, they are the truly unique, the once in a lifetime, the ones you will turn to in times of crisis and times of joy. They are the truly irreplaceable.

Serendipity is a funny thing... you look for something, find something else and you end up realising that what you've found is more suited to your needs than what you thought you were looking for. This journey has ended up teaching me that my purpose in my relationships is to continue being no one other than exactly who I am and to do my upmost to help try and make my presence in the lives of the individual people I care about something that they can trust in and rely on. I have learned that for the people I truly care about and infinitely value, who I am and what I mean to them? It's enough.

I know that without context some or even most of this post might not make a massive amount of sense to you. But it's something I needed to write, a sort of thank you letter to the universe for sending me exactly what I needed.

It is also a thank you to the teachers in my life, the people who have made themselves at home in the infinite chaos of the beautiful disaster that is my stream of consciousness. Thank you for being who you are, for what you mean to me, and please know that you, just you as you are? You're enough and I am infinitely grateful for you.

To me, each individual relationship in my life is like an infinity. Infinities can take place within a numbered days, others cannot be quantified and a very wise astrophysicist once informed me that some infinities are bigger than other infinities. Not many people know that, and often when you learn it for the first time, it can be pretty mind blowing. Thats how I feel this journey has been for me. 'Some infinities are bigger than other infinities' and I cannot begin to codify how grateful I am for our little infinity.

Be kind to one another, be a teacher, and try to appreciate each infinity for what it is and what it has meant or will continue to mean to you.

Aundrea x

Friday 19 May 2023


It happened on a night like any other, uneventful, until You.

You walked in so effortlessly, like you had always belonged. Akin to some piece of beloved furniture that had always been there.

You made yourself at home instantly, sharing seemingly inconsequential and understated events that had formed the core of who you are.

Something awoke in me then, because of You.

I was prepared for everything, except You.

You had this ability of making me feel seen and understood in a way so foreign I failed to recognise it at first. 

You are the best part of every day, the first part of any morning, infinite vast incoherent thoughts imperceptible to anyone but us, spoken aloud to form the secrets that would eventually bind us.

You so intricately wove yourself into the fabric of my small universe. Spinning silk threads forever securing what holds us together.

You handled the damaged parts of my heart, my soul with such care, paying careful attention to return them to their rightful place, slowly... safely.

You took the time to reinforce that once fragile heart so carefully.

You showed me infinities within our numbered days. How to build our own universe impervious to anyone but us. Held together by an unshakable faith.

You were perfect within your perfect imperfection.

You are my greatest teacher, my existential crisis affiliate. 

You push me in every direction I need to go... and those I didn't know existed.

You have been there, each and every day reinforcing my unwavering belief in absolute, irrevocable and unconditional love.

You have made the journeys when no one else would. And for that, I am infinitely grateful.

You have shown me the fairy tales I once wrapped myself in sometimes do come true. That miracles are ever present and handed to us at the most serendipitous of moments.

You challenge me, You frustrate me, You drive me to the edge of insanity but even then there is no one I would rather be there with... than You.

I am forever blind to where I would be... who I would be... without You.

You are the fabric of this tiny universe we will both call home.

It will always be You.

Ending with the realisation that we, are infinite.