Saturday, 1 July 2017

Some Infinities Are Bigger Than Other Infinities...

Hey there, it's me again... back to pour out some random musings from the depths of my soul. Nothing to see here, just me trying to make sense of the findings from my latest existential crisis... My recent post about my journey of self discovery focused mostly on my struggle with self image. The overwhelmingly positive response I received to that post was pretty incredible.

In all honesty writing that post was the catalyst for me beginning to examine different facets of my life and my relationships with others. Truth be told relationships of any description be they romantic, friendship or purely associative have always felt like they've come a little more difficult to me than it seems in comparison to observation of others. Relationships to me are deeply complex and based on the individual involved, I have never had the same type of interpersonal relationship with anyone twice.

My circle of close friends is practically non existent. And that has always been a conscious choice on my part. I have serious trust issues, and every time I've decided to take a chance and let someone in, it has resulted in heartbreak of some description. So I decided the only way to protect myself was to put a wall up, to become extremely guarded. Don't get me wrong, to the world I remained who I was but I just didn't let anyone in for fear of being hurt. And through all this, mustering every last shred of insatiable positivity I had, I continued to look for the good in people, only seeing the best. I have plenty of acquaintances in my life who I value dearly, but what had been lacking in my life was one of those once in a lifetime type people. The kind you could tell anything to and know for sure it would never go any further... the type that make your life better by just being there and being exactly who they are.

The expression that kept springing to mind whenever I would feel like I was missing out was 'Aundrea, try to remember quality, not quantity'. For the longest time I told myself that when I least expected it, the universe would introduce someone into my life that would show me that even after all the shitty relationships I could still trust and see the good in people.

What the universe ended up sending me was something infinitely more valuable. You see, what I have learned is that all these harsh lessons and failed friendships haven't been for nothing. They've made me come to the realisation that each journey you have the courage to embark on can be considered a truth seeking mission on your road to becoming fully self aware. I truly believe that if you are willing to leave behind everything familiar and comforting about yourself and set out on this truth seeking journey, be it internal or external. And you are willing to regard everything that happens to you on this journey as a lesson, it will lead you to people who will change the course of your life forever. If you accept these people for who and what they are, and embrace them as teachers, they will help you to face and forgive some very difficult realities about yourself. If you follow this path, the truth will not be withheld from you.

The truth is not always agreeable, it is not always what we want to hear but as much as it can damage and ruin, ruin is the road to transformation. The teachers we encounter who value us enough to share their truth with us, can be the ones to help you to open yourself up to learning more about who you are than you ever thought possible.

Embrace these people wholeheartedly. They don't come along too often. They are the guides and teachers on this beautiful road called life who show us what it means to be who we are. And should you ever be lucky enough to encounter one who makes themselves at home in your life, like they have always been there? Treasure and hold on to them with every fibre of your being, they are the truly unique, the once in a lifetime, the ones you will turn to in times of crisis and times of joy. They are the truly irreplaceable.

Serendipity is a funny thing... you look for something, find something else and you end up realising that what you've found is more suited to your needs than what you thought you were looking for. This journey has ended up teaching me that my purpose in my relationships is to continue being no one other than exactly who I am and to do my upmost to help try and make my presence in the lives of the individual people I care about something that they can trust in and rely on. I have learned that for the people I truly care about and infinitely value, who I am and what I mean to them? It's enough.

I know that without context some or even most of this post might not make a massive amount of sense to you. But it's something I needed to write, a sort of thank you letter to the universe for sending me exactly what I needed.

It is also a thank you to the teachers in my life, the people who have made themselves at home in the infinite chaos of the beautiful disaster that is my stream of consciousness. Thank you for being who you are, for what you mean to me, and please know that you, just you as you are? You're enough and I am infinitely grateful for you.

To me, each individual relationship in my life is like an infinity. Infinities can take place within a numbered days, others cannot be quantified and a very wise astrophysicist once informed me that some infinities are bigger than other infinities. Not many people know that, and often when you learn it for the first time, it can be pretty mind blowing. Thats how I feel this journey has been for me. 'Some infinities are bigger than other infinities' and I cannot begin to codify how grateful I am for our little infinity.

Be kind to one another, be a teacher, and try to appreciate each infinity for what it is and what it has meant or will continue to mean to you.

Aundrea x

Monday, 29 May 2017

Weight, Shame, Unhappiness and Me...

Hey there,

It's me, Aundrea... I know what you're thinking 'It's been 3 years, you don't call, you never write...' I know, I know! The truth is, I haven't really had anything to say. I've spent the past few years being encapsulated in my own little world but I always promised myself I would come back when I have something to say, so here I am.

Most of you know me either in real life, through social media or for my ramblings and reviews in the world of fragrance and cosmetics or at the very least, that one post where I had my bottom and vagina waxed for your entertainment... yeah, they were good times right? Actually, some of the best, but thats not what prompted me to sit down and open up Blogger tonight. Yes this post is about me, but it's the part of me you've never seen. The insecure, lost, and slightly irrational side of me that I have been battling for as long as I can remember.

Last June something happened in my personal life that prompted me to take a long hard look in the mirror, and let me tell you as someone who had spent the past 10 years actively avoiding mirrors, the reflection that stared back at me was not something I was ready for. So you can understand what I mean when I say this let me explain a few things to you.

If you had known me in my late teens, early 20's the girl you would have known was genuinely happy, she was funny, smart, sarcastic, loving and a little bit of a push over. This post is about how I lost that girl, became one I didn't like and found a way to become a woman I love.

In 2006 I met a guy in a bar that my friends and I used to hang out at a couple of nights a week... that night changed my life and would lead to a series of events that would rock the very foundations of the person I was and would have a lasting effect on the person I would become for the next 10 years. I often look back on that night and wonder how different my life would have been if he hadn't joined us at our table...

I have written about my experience with domestic violence before... For me, the daily abuse I suffered while I was pregnant with this mans child is still something I have trouble comprehending. When I talk about it, I feel like in a way I have become so detached from the situation that it almost feels like I'm talking about events in someone else's life instead of my own. I went through things that no man or woman should ever have to go through and as a result it changed the very foundation of the person I am. One person went into that relationship, a very different one came out. A girl who was afraid of confrontation, who saw no value in herself or what she could offer people, someone who was afraid of letting people get close to her, who couldn't take even the smallest criticism without falling apart, who couldn't trust and because of all this, someone who hated what she saw when she looked in the mirror.

It is important that you know this to understand how I ended up at that point last Summer. Yes my life continued and yes I've met people along the way who have shown me that there is good out there, that I can trust and above all know my worth but this battle hasn't been an easy win. My coping mechanism to get from that girl, to a year ago was comfort, and like when I was a teenager my comfort was food. My weight began to creep upward from the moment that relationship ended, and it continued to do so for 9 years until I saw a picture of myself at my daughters communion. I was completely and utterly ashamed of the image that stared back at me. Was that me? Was that what I had become? How did I let this happen?

This led to a couple of months of soul searching on my behalf to try and figure out where it all began and the truth is what I just described above is how it started, I used food as a means to either reward or console myself every single time something went right or wrong in my life. And here I was, disgusted with the person I had become. No self confidence, once again, no self worth, avoiding social interactions, not to mention mirrors. I needed to do something, I needed to take back control of my life and begin to shape myself into the person I wanted to be. Thats when I decided the weight had to go.

This meant having a fairly serious conversation with myself about realistic expectations. I have never in my entire life been what you would refer to as thin, and I never will be. It's not about that, the goal here is my health and happiness. I wanted to be a reasonable weight and in all honesty if I got to somewhere between 12 and a half or 13 stone I would be over the moon. So thats the target I set myself, the next issue was HOW?! I spoke to my GP who I adore, she is literally the most supportive person, the kind that gives it to you straight without reducing you to tears... always a bonus right?! We spoke about a variety of different options and I decided on Slimming World.

I found my local group online and called the number attached, a lady called Sinead was the group leader. My heart was in my mouth as the phone rang out, when she answered we spoke about group times and locations and I decided on a Tuesday group at 7.30pm. That gave me 6 days to mentally prepare myself to attend and face the numbers on the scales. I feel it's worth mentioning at this point that I hadn't stepped on a scales in oh i don't know 10 years?! I knew it wasn't going to be easy but I also knew that this was what I had to do to take control over a situation that was making me desperately unhappy.

Tuesday January the 24th rolled around, it was the day after my birthday... and I promised myself that if I was going to do this, I was all in. I left the house at 7pm, poised for an anxiety attack, worried about being judged and afraid of the harsh truth that awaited me when I stepped on those scales. I'm not going to the the breakdown of the induction and meetings that inevitably come with these weightloss posts because no doubt you've heard it before. Just know that when I stepped on those scales, NOTHING could have prepared me for those numbers that stared back at me. Sinead never batt an eyelid, she asked me for an interim target and told me I could do this, and for the first time in my life, I believed that.

It's been 4 months of my weekly Tuesday night meetings, and my life has changed exponentially for the better. Already I have more confidence than those 10 years lost combined, I'm a happier person, I'm a healthier person and I am also happy to report that I am also nearly 2 stone lighter. Some of this I had hoped for, dare I say expected? But the one thing I didn't expect was the love and support that have come my way since making the decision to join that group. The women and men that I have met have become family in a way. We are there for each other each and every week, we're genuinely delighted for the losses and targets achieved and we feel the pain of those bad weeks and gains, my group have taught me that I'm not alone in this struggle and that I have people there to lean on in times of need and who I can support and encourage in return in their times of need. It is honestly one of the best decisions I have ever made.

My life has already changed so much, I still have a long way to go, but knowing how great it feels to have come this far and seeing those positive changes in myself as well as my body is really the best gift I could have ever given myself. I feel like I have become fully aware of who I am, and the person I will continuously strive to be, because I know how shitty it felt to be so utterly lost. Thats why I wanted to write this post, it is in a way, a testament to myself and how far I have come in a year. I can look in the mirror and know that instead of hating the person looking back, I can be proud of the one I've become. It has taken a lot to get to this point and it'll take a lot more to get to where I want to be, but I'm a work in progress and there is nothing wrong with that... it has taken me a long time to learn to be kind to myself and show myself some sort of love or encouragement. If even the smallest part of this post sounds familiar to you, or prompts you to try and improve your happiness then writing this post has been worth it.

Deciding to take the steps to work and improve on yourself is never easy, but one of the most important relationships we have in life is with ourselves... don't you think thats a relationship worth cultivating? I certainly do, my only regret is its taken me so long to do it.

If you've gotten to this point, thank you for reading. Be kind to yourself, and if you've been trifling with the idea of some self improvement, my advice is go for it! You never know where it may lead you...

Aundrea x

Thursday, 4 September 2014

Think Pink with Yves Saint Laurent - Rose Glow Collection

Hey Ladies,

I hope you're all well! My infinite infatuation with YSL reigns supreme today with a look at their incredibly beautiful Rose Glow Collection. "My favourite colour after black, is pink" - Yves Saint Laurent, a man after my own heart. At it's heart, it is nothing if not a stunning rose gold collection, reminding us that a touch of rosy pink with subtle underlying gold tones is the secret to a universally flattering, youthful glow. Let's take a closer look, shall we?

First up lets take a look at the exquisite Rose Gold Primer, this I have found to my absolute delight has a multitude of uses, you can mix it with your foundation for an all over glow, over foundation as an added highlighter, or my favourite use, is to wear it on its own, once applied to a well moisturised face it gives you the most fantastic dewy look, and it's subtle rose gold flecks lends you a beautiful glow without the disco ball side effect.

The Rose Gold Highlighter is a new look to an old favourite, Le Touche Eclat has been a staple in my makeup collection since a time where my entire makeup collection fit into a small makeup bag... This re imagining gives us what we love about the Touche Eclat but with an added surge of pink shimmering light, it really is just beautiful. I can only hope that YSL choose to make this a permanent product in their collection.

And now for the piece de resistance, The Rose Gold Blush *swoons* I am head over heals about this product and it is absolutely my favourite from the collection. Here we have a light pink shimmer incased in a burst of cerise perfection. This, is a show stopping blush. A light hand gives you just a subtle flush of this gorgeous colour, but if you're brave (and I recommend your are when it comes to this) what you're left with it, is the most incredible pop of pink on the cheeks, it really is unique and unlike anything I have in my collection, and that my dears, really says something!

My final thoughts? In my opinion YSL have proved time and time again that they can do no wrong when it comes to their collection of truly stunning permanent and limited edition products and this is no exception. If you're a fan of YSL & a fan of Rose Gold, I highly recommend you check this collection out, it doesn't disappoint!

Thats it for now ladies,
I hope you enjoyed,
What are your thoughts on the collection?
Are you tempted?!
As always,
Let me know below!
Until next time 

Wednesday, 27 August 2014

Ziaja - Manuka Tree Purifying Range

Hey Ladies,

I hope you're all well! Back to one of my all time favourite topics today, skincare. My second favourite topic vis a vis skincare is how Ziaja keep managing to knock it out of the park when it comes to affordable, reliable and effective skincare ranges. Today I'm taking a look at the newly launched 'Manuka Tree Purifying Range' for oily and combination skin.

First up we have the Normalising Cleansing Gel. Full disclosure up front, I am not a massive fan of cleansing gels, I find them sticky and generally unpleasant to work with, I much prefer cream cleansers. This was good though, it felt really nice on, almost cooling on the skin. I've taken to using it with my Clarisonic to get the full effect because my skin has just been atrocious lately. I have to say, for a gel cleanser, it wasn't the nightmare I was expecting, there was no sticky residue and zero tackiness which was great. It left my skin feeling clean and soft, what more can you ask for?

The Astringent Face Toner is one of my favourites from the collection, it feels almost lotion like, very luxurious and smells just incredible. It contains organic acids which makes it an exfoliating toner, it's by no means harsh though, it's a real treat to use. My skin always feels squeaky clean without feeling dried out or tight. It's terrific if you're having any sort of a breakout, it really does the trick with preping the skin for any further treatment.

The Normalising Day cream, I have found is a great base for under makeup. It seems to keep my t-zone woes under control, and you can't fault that. I do prefer something with a higher SPF in it though, so I've been mixing in my current SPF of choice if I know that I'll be out and about that day and it holds up really nicely.

The Gently Exfoliating Night Cream I just love, love LOVE! This is an absolute pleasure to use, it contains 3% Almond acid which helps to exfoliate the skin and assist with the regeneration of new cells. Like the rest of the range, it smells amazing. This applies like a dream, and sinks in quickly, I honestly cannot fault it, my skin has improved so much with persistent use.

The Deeply Cleansing Peeling Paste is the stand out product from the range for me. Here's the thing, the first time I used this Glam Glow came to mind, it dries in the same way, and it sucks all the crap out of your skin in an even more explosive way than GG. With Ziaja you get a whopping 75ml of product for €4.99 vs €60 from Glam Glow, it's exactly the same effect and I have tried every GG Mask. Trust me, save yourself €55 and you'll be bowled over with the results. I found it incredible.

All in all, I give the Manuka Tree Range from Ziaja two very enthusiastic thumbs up. For just under €30 you have yourself an effective and well stocked skincare regime. Whether you're having trouble with acne, oily skin or you know a teenager who is going through a rough time (we all remember how much fun that was right?) It's such a terrific range and I honestly cannot recommend it enough.

That's it for now ladies,
I hope you enjoyed!
Any stand out products above that you feel
you might like to try?
As always,
Let me know below!
Until next time