“I've come to believe that there exists in the universe something I call "The Physics of The Quest" — a force of nature governed by laws as real as the laws of gravity or momentum. And the rule of Quest Physics maybe goes like this: "If you are brave enough to leave behind everything familiar and comforting (which can be anything from your house to your bitter old resentments) and set out on a truth-seeking journey (either externally or internally), and if you are truly willing to regard everything that happens to you on that journey as a clue, and if you accept everyone you meet along the way as a teacher, and if you are prepared – most of all – to face and forgive some very difficult realities about yourself... then truth will not be withheld from you."
A decade is a long time, but it can also feel like no time at all. Lessons learned, trust betrayed, hearts broken, promises that have never been kept and relationships which end in an unanswerable great abyss of nothingness.
As time continues to forever move us forward, for the unlucky few, it becomes ever apparent that we are to make our way through our toughest journeys, alone.
As someone who used to consider herself an eternal optimist (now semi hardened realist) its difficult to admit that at some point, you have to accept people are built to disappoint you. Imaginary letters never sent, foundations built on empty promises, broken trust teetering on oblivion. It is a constant fairground carousel of deceit, disappointment and hurt.
Any major trauma we endure, is always dealt with alone. You put stock in the prettily worded sentences of vague offers of support made with no intention of ever seeing them through. Declarations of love on a road leading nowhere. A Mismatched, misguided heart surrounded by the scar tissue of a million empty words.
So what does it all mean? The belief in your fairy tale ending? It was in you, deep as poison. Encroaching on your fragile heart, spooling their thorned vines around it, locking those damaging splinters in place, creating primed, minute, fractures ready to be shattered with each tap driven into it with a sledgehammer wielded by those you so naively leant your trust to.
By now you should be used to it... not everyone has your heart's best interest in mind, not everyone's promises mean something. An attempt was made to plant a bitter and cynical seed where once there was a pure belief in love.
Deep down you knew this was coming. They've never missed an opportunity to remind you just how insignificant you can be in their world. And it crushes you every time. You let it crush you because you can't bring yourself to inflict the pain. It can crush but this time it didn't break you. Because this time the reenforcement of that fragile heart behind the scenes made all the difference. It will always hurt, it hurts because it mattered once, but no more.
Life continues, a heart mends, you progress, the world continues to spin. I used to wonder how the earth never fell from its axis with the weight of emotional pain people carry around. But, I have learned there is nothing so bad it is impossible to recover from.
So, the physics of the quest in this scenario? You have to have faith, faith in others, in yourself. In the universe. We are unpredictable as a species, self involved, self destructive and inexplicable in our actions. But on the other hand as a result of this bump on the cosmic highway I have experienced the most incredible kindness, from the most unexpected sources. I have had to face and forgive some very difficult realities about myself. And the answer to the question on the end of this journey? No one can write my story for me. So I will pick myself up, dust my heart off, learn to trust once more and put nothing out into the universe that doesn't have the best intentions attached. We can never be broken down so far that we cannot rebuild ourselves stronger, wiser and more empathetic.
As we continue on this beautiful road called life I will be infinitely grateful for the incredible good that has revealed itself, which was always there and which is stronger than ever. You have learned through this journey that unconditional love exists and it is a beautiful thing. Something which could have so easily hardened me and stripped me of my belief? Has only reenforced it further. There is something bittersweet and poetic about it because there is nothing to be lost, only gained. And an appreciation for what was found in the process, the most precious of things.
A fond farewell to the last decade... and on to the next chapter.
I carry all the good with me,
Always.
